Judging who should and shouldn’t have been asked to attend the NBA draft lottery
The NBA’s draft lottery takes place on Tuesday, May 19. Representatives of the 14 NBA teams that will take part in the lottery were announced on Thursday, and as tends to happen, several mistakes were made.
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Minnesota Timberwolves
Who they chose: Glen Taylor, owner
Why: There are rumors that an ownership group cobbled together by both Timberwolves president/coach Flip Saunders and Kevin Garnett could try to purchase the team from Taylor, so this might be his last go-round in the lottery. Not because the Timberwolves will get any better any time soon, but because he could decide he’s had enough with a team that hasn’t made the playoffs since 2004. On the bright side, Taylor still carries that membership card from that Chipotle he likes outside the lottery studios and he’s about to get his 10th click and I think that means a free burrito but he’ll still have to pay extra for guacamole. Guacamole costs extra.
Who they should have chosen: Kevin Garnett
Why: The Wolves have the best odds at the top overall pick, and after they slide into the top three ESPN would ask Garnett to come over to the stage for the final unveiling and he’d decide to take a 45-minute shower first and make them wait and then the show would be delayed and then the entire ESPN schedule would be delayed and then your dumb roommate Phillip’s DVR of ‘First Take’ would be screwed over the next day and it would be so sweet.
New York Knicks
Who they chose: Steve Mills, general manager.
Why: Because Phil Jackson is a rich baby-boomer, and rich baby-boomers are notoriously averse to taking responsibility for the mess they’ve created. Come on, people now. Smile on your brother.
Who they should have chosen: Don Henley, Eagle, former perm-haver.
Why: Because the manager of the Eagles helped put Phil Jackson in charge of the Knicks, because the Knicks are the worst, and because the Eagles are the worst. It’ll be a nice distraction before Isiah Thomas represents the team at the 2016 lottery oh wait they traded away that pick for Andrea Bargnani my bad. Yeah, go with Henley. He’s down with the culture, there.
Philadelphia 76ers
Who they chose: Nerlens Noel, player.
Why: Cool hair, better gap-tooth. Subject to be replaced pending league approval of the four-team deal that will send Noel to Oklahoma City for OKC’s 2021 first-round draft pick (top three protected, could turn over into an unprotected 2022 first-round pick if unclaimed in 2021).
Who they should have chosen: Burt Young, famed star of stage and screen.
Why: The man who played Paulie Pennino in all 12 ‘Rocky’ features achieved Hollywood immortality by attempting to deny the titular character a chance at both the heavyweight championship and also the hand of the woman he loved. The character is loathsome and outside of an affinity for both canned beer and robots, devoid of any redeeming qualities. All he wanted was for all of Philadelphia to be as unhappy as him. This is right up the 76ers’ alley.
Los Angeles Lakers
Who they chose: Byron Scott, head coach lol.
Why: Because I need something to write about the next day.
Who they should have chosen: Kobe Bryant, shooting guard.
Why: Glen Taylor needs to be told he shouldn’t be celebrating too much, and that it’s just a top overall pick and nothing like FIVE RINGS. Steve Mills needs to be told that he doesn’t even have Phil Jackson’s secret-secret cell phone number and hell no Kobe’s not giving it to him. The guy from ‘Rocky’ needs to be told that he’s not even making the top six names in the Leonard Maltin Game. And when the Lakers fall out of the top five and lose the pick to Philadelphia Kobe gets to say “good man I didn’t even want to play with some punk kid get me Caron Butler that’s someone I can go to war, with, man, I’m a WARRIOR MAMBA OUT.”
Orlando Magic
Who they chose: Alex Martins, CEO.
Why: This is what CEOs get to do, I guess. Get on TV for a bit as your pick slides from fifth to eighth and all the free bobbleheads you can find and hey look here’s a picture of me and Dr. J. did you know Michael Jordan bet me fifty bucks I couldn’t knock in this 20-foot putt and I totally nailed, man, totally nailed it.
Who they should have chosen: A selected fan participant, the winner of a “why I remain an Orlando Magic fan” essay contest.
Why: Because it would have been hilarious to see which d-bag Laker fan the essay winner would sell his ticket to.
Sacramento Kings
Who they chose: Vlade Divac, President of the Sacramento Kings and maybe coach.
Why: Vlade Divac once played basketball for the Sacramento Kings. As such, he has earned the right to run the Sacramento Kings for five months.
Who they should have chosen: Peja Stojakovic, President of the Sacramento Kings and maybe coach.
Why: You didn’t hear? Check your Twitter.
Denver Nuggets
Who they chose: Josh Kroenke, inheritor, bon vivant, and man about town.
Why: He’s rich, he played basketball, and he can park wherever the hell he likes.
Who they should have chosen: Ron, Wal-Mart greeter. Any Wal-Mart greeter.
Why: Why? Have you seen those dudes? They are adorable. They don’t look at you funny when your only purchases include a George Jones CD, a three-pack of boxer shorts, some almonds and a tire gauge. He’ll always check your receipt when you get ice and it’s like come on Ron I’m not going to steal ice.
Detroit Pistons
Who they chose: Jeff Bower, general manager.
Why: He’s tall, he’s respected, he is well-groomed and he is the general manager. He has perfect handshake timing, never lingers too long, and he understands that these days you prefer text to voicemail.
Who they should have chosen: Jeff Bower, general manager.
Why: He is the team’s general manager.
Charlotte Hornets
Who they chose: Michael Kidd-Gilchrist, 500 jumpers a day.
Why: It is May. It is warm. Michael Jordan has played 27 holes and made over 1200 untaxed bucks before you even decided to check if Lawrence Funderburke was just named president and maybe coach of the Sacramento Kings.
Who they should have chosen: I guess we’re going all in on this whole stupid 1990s nostalgia thing so, I dunno, Larry Johnson?
Why: LJ is pretty cool. If he’s unavailable we can just see who’s trending or who’s on Fallon’s show tonight so probably Lisa Turtle or the woman that sang ‘Zombie’ or TV’s Wayne Knight or Joe Isuzu or ‘Air Bud’ just kidding ‘Air Bud’ is totally dead by now.
Miami Heat
Who they chose: Alonzo Mourning, Miami Heat family member for life unless he wants to sign with another team.
Why: Well, in 1993 Larry Johnson signed a massive 12-year, $84 million contract, the largest NBA deal of its time. When Charlotte Hornets owner George Shinn declined to offer a similar deal to the clearly superior Mourning in 1995, Alonzo made it known that he would leave the Hornets without compensation in the summer of 1996. Looking to circle the wagons, Shinn and the Hornets dealt Alonzo to Miami just before the 1995-96 season for a package that included center Matt Geiger. Days later, Geiger would break Shaquille O’Neal’s thumb in an exhibition game on a hard foul, clearing the way for Penny Hardaway to have the best season of his career and reportedly creating some resentment from O’Neal’s camp as Hardaway was discussed amongst MVP candidates.
There, that’s what I paid attention to in the 1990s. Can I get on Fallon, now?
Who they should have chosen: Dwyane Wade, superstar guard.
Why: Wade was the team’s representative in 2008 when the squad grabbed the second round pick, wasted it on two crummy seasons of Michael Beasley, then traded Beasley for cap space that was used on signing LeBron James and Chris Bosh. Let’s fail upward all over again, Miami!
Indiana Pacers
Who they chose: Larry Bird, three-time three-point shootout champion, 1979 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament runner-up.
Why: Larry Bird demands that you remain accountable for your organization’s actions, even if bad luck put you an undesirable place, and he’s not going to shirk away from responsibility in spite of potential embarrassment. Besides, there is no embarrassment in working to the best of your abilities and putting in an honest effort even if the cards don’t come your way. He demands you sit up straight and make eye contact, and he’s going to cough loudly and ask to have a word after you tell the server you want yours prepared “medium well.”
Who they should have chosen: Whoever the hell decided that our LGBT brothers and sisters can be discriminated against based solely on how their maker created them, and whoever the hell decided that you can’t buy beer on Sunday in Indiana.
Why: It’s the same guy.
Utah Jazz
Who they chose: David Lindsey, general manager.
Why: All-around good guy. Picked Tyler up at the airport when the kid was coming back from college and they sent me to Knoxville for some meeting that we could have done over the phone. Lent me a pair of dress shoes when Carol packed them in the wrong bag and I had to give a presentation right after getting off the airplane. Fixed a hitch in my swing.
Who they should have chosen: You’re telling me there’s a better person to choose than David Lindsey?
Why: Gave an absolute beaut of a toast at Michael’s wedding. Absolutely nailed the Gordon Proposal back in 2009, took the pressure of the whole damn department. His wife Erin really is great, gets along with Carol and isn’t like the rest of them. Never seen him get out of line with Ian at HR, though I don’t know how he keeps his patience with that dingbat. Makes more than most of us but you wouldn’t be able to tell by his Acura.
Phoenix Suns
Who they chose: Alex Len, center.
Why: Nobody on the Phoenix Suns likes each other, save for the set of twins that allegedly like to slap the noise right out of your mouth.
Who they should have chosen: Alice Cooper, singer of ‘Clones (We’re All),’ not really named “Alice.”
Why: America needs to be reminded that you can still retire to a sober life in Arizona, play golf all day, and still be the best.
Oklahoma City Thunder
Who they chose: Russell Westbrook, dunker.
Why: Dude just dunked on Alex Len.
Who they should have chosen: Russell Westbrook, dunker.
Why: Dude just dunked on the guy from Price-Waterhouse.
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Kelly Dwyer is an editor for Ball Don’t Lie on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him at [email protected] or follow him on Twitter! Follow @KDonhoops
