If there’s one thing we’ve all been thinking every time we’ve looked at Chris Andersen recently, it’s that he’s really been slacking when it comes to finding new and interesting ways to decorate the ever declining share of his body that isn’t already covered in tattoos. It’s been an impressive evolution over the years, but it seems to have stagnated of late. Surely there must exist additional opportunities for the illustrated man to express his colorful persona and individual style, right?
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Good news, everyone: Such opportunities do exist, and the Birdman’s optimizing them like a muh. Behold:
It’s like my grandpa always said: “When you’re not sure what to do during your downtime, go ahead and get two skulls tattooed on the back of your skull over the all-caps-when-you-spell-the-man’s-name phrase ‘GIVE ME WAR,’ which will occupy the nape of your neck just above the phrase ‘FOREVER NIGHTMARE.'” That’s just good old-fashioned common sense.
“He’s a tough warrior,” Miami Heat head coach Erik Spoelstra said in describing Birdman to ESPN’s Jeff MacGregor last spring. “We’re sure glad he’s on our side.” And really, who can blame him? Who’d want to be on the other side of this?
That said, this all seems a bit glum for a very wealthy gent who plies his trade amid the sun and sand of South Florida. Everything OK, Bird? Feeling down? Maybe want to chat a little bit?
Evidently not, according to Jason Lieser of the Palm Beach Post:
How’d you feel about the way you held up physically?
“Why you keep trying to dig into my emotions, man? I’m a man. I don’t talk about my feelings.”
No, how do you feel physically?
Yeah. I’m not interested in your emotional feelings.
“Good, because I don’t talk about my feelings at all.”
Right. Save that for therapy.
“I don’t do therapy. I’m gonna go talk to somebody?”
I mean that another person would. Not you, obviously.
“I wouldn’t. I would hire someone to go talk for me.”
Yep, just a standard, garden-variety and obviously very healthy interaction with what seems like a measured and balanced person. I mean, who needs someone metaphorically needling your cranium for hours on end when you can have someone literally do it?
Hat-tip to Ananth Pandian of Eye on Basketball.
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