NHL Draft Lottery: Which teams should we hope don’t win it?
The NHL Draft Lottery is scheduled for 7:30 p.m. ET on Saturday night, and there’s unprecedented hype for it. Connor McDavid, the brilliant junior hockey star, is the top prize; Jack Eichel, the brilliant NCAA hockey star, is a heck of a consolation prize.
The NHL is so super concerned about transparency, it’s released the number combinations for all teams in order for them to win the lottery. It’s also filming the lottery, lest anyone believe it’s been fixed to benefit a particular team.
But which teams deserve to earn the first overall pick, and which ones should we pray don’t win the right to draft McDavid?
Here’s a quick guide to the teams in tonight’s lottery, and their virtue:
14. Boston Bruins
Odds of Winning Lottery: 1.0%
Connor McDavid’s Nickname If Drafted: Connor McDunkin’
Why We Should Pray They Win Lottery: Because McDavid will have to play behind Patrice Bergeron and David Krejci, will be eventually labeled as too soft for “Bruins Hockey” by Year 3, is traded for a middling top six forward, and then becomes a point-per-game megastar for a non-traditional market in the Western Conference.
Why We Should Pray They Don’t Win Lottery: Because the native Boston tongue wrapped around the name “Connor McDavid” is about as charming as hearing that Dropkick Murphys’ song for the 600th time.
13. Los Angeles Kings
Odds of Winning Lottery: 2.0%
Connor McDavid’s Nickname If Drafted: King Connor
Why We Should Pray They Win Lottery: Because just when you thought they’d run out of ways to troll the Sharks … well, missing the playoffs and ending up with the next Sidney Crosby would be epic.
Why We Should Pray They Don’t Win Lottery: Because, uh, they’ve had enough good fortune in the last three years. And frankly, nothing is going to be more depressing than hearing some local LA sportscaster congratulate “Colton McDaniel” on his scoring title.
12. Dallas Stars
Odds of Winning Lottery: 2.5%
Connor McDavid’s Nickname If Drafted: Connor McDallas
Why We Should Pray They Win Lottery: Because McDavid would mint new generations of hockey fans in the Lone Star State, break Mike Modano’s team scoring records before he’s 30 and act as the Gretzky-like catalyst for expansion to Houston, San Antonio and Amarillo.
Why We Should Pray They Don’t Win Lottery: Could dramatically affect the balance of the Benn/Seguin bromance. Three’s a crowd, dude.
11. Florida Panthers
Odds of Winning Lottery: 3.0%
Connor McDavid’s Nickname If Drafted: Connor McDenny’s
Why We Should Pray They Win Lottery: Because it would add the final piece to a burgeoning collection of young stars, creating a team that could absolutely dominate the Atlantic Division for years to come.
Why We Should Pray They Don’t Win Lottery: Because it’ll be really unfair to Montreal when McDavid’s playing in Quebec City by the end of his entry level deal.
10. Colorado Avalanche
Odds of Winning Lottery: 3.5%
Connor McDavid’s Nickname If Drafted: Connor McDenver
Why We Should Pray They Win Lottery: If you’ve always wanted to see Connor McDavid awkwardly lip-syncing an Imagine Dragons song while wet, shirtless and self-gratifying.
Why We Should Pray They Don’t Win Lottery: McDavid discovers the recent legalization in Colorado. Demands the Avs’ victory song is a 36-minute live cut from PHISH. Is suspended by the team for refusing to start a game until he was done playing hacky in the Pepsi Center parking lot.
9. San Jose Sharks
Odds of Winning Lottery: 5.0%
Connor McDavid’s Nickname If Drafted: Connor McDorsal
Why We Should Pray They Win Lottery: Because San Jose missing the playoffs for only the second time since 1997, and after getting reserve-swept last season by their arch rivals, would make winning the lottery the Sharkiest thing that ever Sharked.
Why We Should Pray They Don’t Win Lottery: We’d eventually like to see him hoist the Cup.
8. Columbus Blue Jackets
Odds of Winning Lottery: 6.0%
Connor McDavid’s Nickname If Drafted: Cohnny Hockey
Why We Should Pray They Win Lottery: Because despite around three million man-games lost, Columbus went on an absolute tear to end the season rather than tanking. Would forever show that the Hockey Gods prefer effort to intentionally losing to gain high draft picks.
Why We Should Pray They Don’t Win Lottery: Because McDavid could score 200 points in his rookie season and the lead story in local media will still be Buckeyes mini-camp.
7. Philadelphia Flyers
Odds of Winning Lottery: 6.5%
Connor McDavid’s Nickname If Drafted: Crosby Sucks
Why We Should Pray They Win Lottery: Because after Roswell, the Kennedy Assassination and the Patrick Ewing frozen envelope, it would be genuinely refreshing to have at least one conspiracy theory validated.
Why We Should Pray They Don’t Win Lottery: Because we’d really like to buy a McDavid jersey at some point, and this would render it impossible.
6. New Jersey Devils
Odds of Winning Lottery: 7.5%
Connor McDavid’s Nickname If Drafted: Connor McDevil
Why We Should Pray They Win Lottery: This would get McDavid into the New York sports market; and since he’ll play in New Jersey, that means he’ll be at a minimum the 24th or 25th most famous athlete in New York, behind the Yankees’ No. 3 starter and ahead of the Giants’ long snapper.
Why We Should Pray They Don’t Win Lottery: Hmmm … let’s see … do you want the next Sidney Crosby wearing Lou Lamoriello’s media muzzle and posting 70 points a season playing, ahem, “positional defense?”
5. Carolina Hurricanes
Odds of Winning Lottery: 8.5%
Connor McDavid’s Nickname If Drafted: Connor McRib
Why We Should Pray They Win Lottery: Dale Junior, diving the No. 97 car with an airbrushed Connor McDavid on the hood holding a Mountain Dew.
Why We Should Pray They Don’t Win Lottery: No natural rivals, no geographic rivals … honestly, when’s the last time you thought about Jeff Skinner? Or his dimples?
4. Toronto Maple Leafs
Odds of Winning Lottery: 9.5%
Connor McDavid’s Nickname If Drafted: Jesus Christ
Why We Should Pray They Win Lottery: McDavid joins the Leafs. Mike Babcock comes over from Detroit to coach him and the city of Toronto actually gets to plan a parade and not have the rest of the hockey world mock them for their unearned hubris.
Why We Should Pray They Don’t Win Lottery: Unless you like to literally hear a young athlete’s soul crushed by expectations and the unwavering scrutiny of the Toronto media, best not hope McDavid is a Leaf.
3. Edmonton Oilers
Odds of Winning Lottery: 11.5%
Connor McDavid’s Nickname If Drafted: Connor McDammit (Not Again)
Why We Should Pray They Win Lottery: Because it’s been a whole two years since the Edmonton Oilers drafted a dynamic young offensive player first overall, and no team should have to suffer through that kind of drought.
Why We Should Pray They Don’t Win Lottery: Because they already had one Gretzky, and because Edmonton is a black hole of promising young talent, and we’d rather not see McDavid’s star sucked into it. “Suck” being the operative phrase.
2. Arizona Coyotes
Odds of Winning Lottery: 13.5%
Connor McDavid’s Nickname If Drafted: Connor McDesert
Why We Should Pray They Win Lottery: Because watching McDavid, Anthony Duclair and Max Domi score all the goals for the next dozen years will be fun. And because it would troll the ever-loving [expletive] out of Canada.
Why We Should Pray They Don’t Win Lottery: The embarrassment of McDavid eventually having to give them a loan so they can make payroll.
1. Buffalo Sabres
Odds of Winning Lottery: 20.0%
Connor McDavid’s Nickname If Drafted: Connor McDestiny. Or Tanky McTankerson.
Why We Should Pray They Win Lottery: Because the absolute audacity of Tim Murray’s tank job has to earn its ultimate goal. Trading your starting goalie twice in the same season is the managerial equivalent of mooning Gary Bettman in the face, and then wiggling it.
Why We Should Pray They Don’t Win Lottery: Because they still end up with Jack Eichel, so weep not for the Buffalo Sabres – he’s also worth wasting a year of your hockey lives in order to draft.
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