Talla-Mento Dogwich vs. Augusta’s pimento cheese: who ya got?
TALLADEGA, Ala.—Pimento cheese is a true Southern staple, a delightful concoction of cheese, pimento peppers, and other mysterious ingredients. Two Southern institutions, Augusta National Golf Club and Talladega Superspeedway, have rolled out their own spin on pimento cheese–one traditional, the other a new upstart.
Three weeks ago, I was walking the immaculate grounds of Augusta National for the Masters, and on the first day of May I was in the infield at Talladega. This, combined with my own personal disregard for my gastrointestinal stability, put me in a unique position: compare these two pimento-based creations and offer you, the reader, a choice: go traditional, or go big?
Ladies and gentlemen, we give you: The Masters Pimento Cheese Sandwich vs. The Talla-Mento Dogwich. Hold on to your guts!
The Masters Pimento Cheese Sandwich
Price: $1.50
Description: This Augusta National standard has remained unchanged for decades. Two slices of white, very very white (ho ho ho) bread, a generous helping of delicately seasoned pimento cheese within, all encased in a green wrapper that won’t show up on television should you fail to dispose of it properly.
Taste: The bread is softer and lighter than you can possibly imagine. The cheese is thick and gooey, with a hint of spice.
Verdict: Both the price point and the composition of the sandwich make this one ideal for downing by the armload, particularly if you’re washing it down with a Cola or Light Beer (no proper names allowed at Augusta National). This one will sneak up on you; scarf down three or four of these and you’ll suddenly start feeling like you’re carrying a Pimento Baby somewhere around Amen Corner. Consume freely, but over the course of many hours.
The Talla-mento Dogwich
Price: $5.00
Description: Hoo boy. Hold on tight. Start with heavily buttered Texas Toast, grilled but butter-soaked to the chewy consistency of French toast. Top that with a couple slices of cheese (Cheddar and American, if I remember my lunchroom fare correctly). Add a grilled hot dog, split lengthwise and laid out in an X formation. Then top the entire creation with enough pimento cheese to spackle an entire bathroom.
Taste: Your first challenge here is getting this freak of nature into your mouth; the combination of soft toast and concrete-dense cheese is tricky to maneuver, and the hot dog provides very little structural integrity. Once you can bite, though, it’s not bad! I have to confess that I only had a few bites—I did still have an entire day’s work ahead of me, and my fellow journalists would not have looked kindly on me convalescing on the floor of the media center—but that was enough to give me a sense of the power behind this monstrosity.
Verdict: Look, you know what you’re getting into with this one: a sandwich that treats your innards the way that a four-wide, ten-deep field of cars at Talladega treats your eardrums. If you can power your way through this beast, you’ve earned a day off from work.
Overall: You’ve got two choices for two very different purposes here, the same way that the Masters and Talladega offer you two very different sporting experiences. You can opt for the delicate, easy-going-down flavor of the Masters pimento cheese sandwich, or you can go for the esophagus augur that is the Talla-mento Dogwich. My recommendation would be the sandwich early in the day and the Dog-wich to cap it off, because you’re not going to want to move after that one.
Either way, friend: my prayers and good wishes go with you.
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Jay Busbee is a writer for Yahoo Sports and the author of EARNHARDT NATION. Contact him at [email protected] or find him on Twitter or on Facebook.
