Your team’s QBs stink. We rank the desperation to draft one, 1-32
We’re about a week away from the draft and a shocking number of teams don’t know who their starting quarterbacks are. If the season began today, we’d have Mark Sanchez, Case Keenum and Blaine Gabbert all starting games in Week 1. PRIME-TIME GAMES.
So yeah, that’s likely going to change. Man, we hope it changes.
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Which teams need QB help the most? We’ve ranked them, first to last, stinkiest to least-stinkiest. And the Browns are not first, which is both tremendous and shocking.
Here’s the list, broken down by levels of anxiety over getting a quarterback soon:
SHEER DESPERATION
1. Los Angeles Rams
Starter: Case Keenum, really!
Also on roster: Nick Foles, Sean Mannion
Skinny: We’re still laughing that Rams head coach Jeff Fisher was in Los Angeles all of like 30 minutes and was trying to float Keenum as a starter to his new season-ticket holders. And some actually bought in, too! That should be grounds for automatic refund.
The funny thing is, Keenum will likely still be the starter — for September at least. Even after the Rams’ dramatic trade up to No. 1 in the draft, there’s a good chance whomever they take, North Dakota State’s Carson Wentz or Cal’s Jared Goff, likely will be still in learning mode or still getting stuck in traffic on the 101.
But the Rams’ need is perhaps an unprecedented high. You don’t trade up to No. 1 and not take a quarterback. Fear not: They will. But we don’t know which one yet? Oh, hush, he’ll probably be amazing.
Seriously, though, if there’s ever a city where a precocious talent’s career has been snuffed out in about 15 minutes, it’s L.A. So we can’t wait to see which youngster they draft and put in the unenviable situation of being a franchise savior in the country’s second-biggest market with only one difference-maker on offense beside him. Should make for fun TV on draft night, on “Hard Knocks” and onward.
2. Cleveland Browns
Starter: Robert Griffin III
Also on roster: Josh McCown, Austin Davis, Connor Shaw, Pat Devlin
Skinny: The Browns have five quarterbacks on the roster, and we have no clue if any of them can (still) play. The one we might believe in the most for the here and now, McCown, reportedly is on the trade block. Of course. The assumption is that the Browns will use the No. 2 overall pick, or perhaps even trade up to No. 1 if the Rams are open to it, to draft their latest future failed savior. That’s about as big a need as you can get.
Of course, there’s always that Browns penchant for doing the unexpectedly awful when it matters most, and with a new front office made up of a lot of first-time drafters, we expect utter madness to ensue soon. You’ll want to watch. It could be spectacular and inventive.
3. Denver Broncos
Starter: Don’t make us write that name here
Also on roster: Mark Sanchez (yes this name), Trevor Siemian
Skinny: Via the Panama Papers, Mike Klis’ Twitter account and “Dancing With The Stars” bonus scenes, we know that John Elway is still on the lookout for a replacement for Peyton Manning and Brock Osweiler. Seriously, the Texans have a quarterback and the Broncos don’t.
A refresher of their offseason QB maneuvers to date:
• They’ve traded actual, real assets away for one of the most hated quarterbacks in Jets history, and a player the Eagles had no use for;
• They placed an actual phone call to Johnny Manziel for unknown but presumably dangerous purposes;
• They requested Colin Kaepernick to forfeit almost $5 million for the right to have Elway lie about really liking him a lot;
• They’ve feigned interest in every middling free agent to hit the market not named RG3.
So if Kaep fails to materialize, Elway will draft Paxton Lynch (who is the same height as Osweiler and able to fit into his old locker), Dak Prescott (who might be a bit too Tebow for comfort) or the closest relative to Jake Plummer in this draft class. Worth noting: Connor Cook has elite confidence and the stunning ability to earn a reputation based on his surrounding cast that Elway could take a shine to.
4. San Francisco 49ers
Starter: LOL
Also on roster: Colin Kaepernick, Blaine Gabbert, Thad Lewis, Dylan Thompson
Skinny: You bring in Chip Kelly, and you’d imagine he’s going to want to bring in one of his handpicked guys. They’ve let Kaepernick move into Elway’s basement practically, so it’s past the point of him returning, one would assume. (Except to collect his roster bonus check.) If he’s back, it’ll be weird. With Kelly, it’s often weird. That’s kind of his thing.
Gabbert was fine down the stretch, but come on. Any non-rookie who starts is a mere placeholder, and the question is not if, it’s when. We think they’d love if Jared Goff miraculously fell to 7, but that’s looking dicey now that their division rivals moved up to 1 (even if they don’t take him). Don’t worry — Kelly won a division with Nick Foles at QB. We heard he’s available, eh Rams?
5. New York Jets
Starter: (Insert Ryan Fitzpatrick’s name here when he re-signs)
Also on roster: Geno Smith, Bryce Petty
Skinny: Fitzpatrick is a free agent whom the Jets lowballed after a career season but one that left him short of the playoffs when he had a bad game with a berth on the line in Week 17. They can sign him if they want. But Fitzpatrick is asking for a lot of cheese for a guy who is on his sixth NFL team in a decade.
The Jets would appear then to be buyers in this QB market, although it could come via the draft (bold trade up?) or with a free agent such as Brian Hoyer. Tells you what they think of their two most recent draft picks at the position. Smith once skipped a team meeting to go watch a movie alone in San Diego, and Petty might be the only quarterback ever to make Jon “I love this guy!” Gruden angry on his super-chummy-bro TV show.
So, yeah. What the Jets have now likely isn’t going to work for the long haul.
LOOKING HARD, PALMS A BIT CLAMMY
6. Dallas Cowboys
Starter: A plaster of Paris mold of Tony Romo
Also on roster: Kellen Moore, Jameill Showers
Skinny: For as wacko as Jerry Jones is, the dude has been remarkably loath to waste draft picks on bad quarterbacks. Credit where credit is due. Before Stephen McGee in 2009, they last drafted Quincy Carter in 2000. And before Carter — get this — their last drafted quarterback was Bill Musgrave in 1991. Musgrave has been coaching on and off in the NFL for 20 years, mind you.
But this is the year! They’ve interviewed, unofficially, about 630 quarterbacks during the pre-draft process. They coached Wentz at the Senior Bowl, and Jones let it be known to anyone who would listen that he was impressed with Goff. This is what they do, leaking this info out. Which means it likely will be a smokescreen. We have no idea. Cardale Jones would be hilarious, though, and such a Cowboys pick.
7. Philadelphia Eagles
Starter: Sam Bradford, kinda
Also on roster: Chase Daniel, McLeod Bethel-Thompson
Skinny: The Rams leapfrogged them to No. 1 and did so with the help of a pick acquired for Bradford, the quarterback for whom the Eagles appear to have semi-buyer’s regret on. That can’t feel great.
For a team that dropped tens of millions on two different quarterbacks, they sure seem antsy to draft one. Yep, Bradford and Daniel received a combined $34 million this offseason … to not quarterback this team? It’s not wild, as Bradford’s deal is essentially a one-year thing, and Daniel will make elite backup/bridge QB money the next few seasons.
Seriously, let’s talk about Daniel for a moment, shall we? He has to be among the league’s all-time leaders in dollars-earned-to-snaps-played ratio and now could be the third option? Simply a remarkable businessman. But then again, we should have seen this coming at Mizzou.
Long and short of the deal here: They seem bent on getting another quarterback, one way or another. Hey, man, whatever works.
8. Buffalo Bills
Starter: Tyrod Taylor … geez, we think
Also on roster: EJ Manuel
Skinny: Seriously, that’s it. You can understand why the Bills are combing the countryside for QB talent for that reason, but the recent rift between Taylor’s agent, Adisa Bakari, and the team appears to suggest things are not good right now. Taylor wants a contract for his fine relief work last year; the Bills are out of cash to spend. So there you have it. There’s a strong sense the Bills will draft a quarterback fairly early, perhaps even with either the 19th or the 51st pick in the draft, and then make Manuel go pick him up at the airport.
MORE FOR DOWN THE ROAD
9. Arizona Cardinals
Starter: Carson Palmer
Also on roster: Drew Stanton, Matt Barkley
Skinny: Palmer turns 37 two days after Christmas, is coming off a nightmarish playoff loss, makes big bucks and is due for more (an $8 million roster bonus prior the 2017 season). Stanton is best known for being the guy who dancing like a fool during a Cardinals touchdown. Barkley is … still in the league?
Yeah, they need someone. But they traded away their second-rounder, so there’s that. Expect QB to be addressed on Day 3 of the draft. Bruce Arians like quarterbacks with strong arms and strong brains, among other things.
10. Kansas City Chiefs
Starter: Alex Smith
Also on roster: Aaron Murray, Tyler Bray
Skinny: Now this is interesting. The Chiefs have been one of those teams sniffing around the draft-eligible quarterbacks and making it appear like they’ll be buyers. Smith is reaching critical mass, and the team doesn’t have a lot invested in the other two guys. But it also has other needs and yet is missing its third-round pick, taken back by the NFL for what the league said was tampering in an already ridiculous, flawed system that basically encourages tampering.
Whatever — the Chiefs will draft a QB at some point, we say.
11. New Orleans Saints
Starter: Drew Brees
Also on roster: Luke McCown, Garrett Grayson, Griffin Neal
Skinny: Like Tom Brady, Brees plans to play quarterback for several years before a proper Senate run. But what is quite fascinating this offseason is the delay of a contract adjustment for Brees this offseason combined with just how much time the Saints have spent looking at the draft’s QB offerings. You don’t bring in Jared Goff (which they did before the Rams-Titans trade) if you’re not at least considering taking him with the 12th pick, if he would have somehow magically still been there.
They also have looked at Connor Cook and Paxton Lynch and others. We get the idea they regret using a third-rounder on Grayson and not, say, someone who can play NFL-caliber defense. The Saints have only six draft picks this year, but we wouldn’t be shocked if one is a quarterback. And if he stinks, there’s always an opportunity on Brees’ future campaign staff.
12. Chicago Bears
Starter: Jay Cutler
Also on roster: David Fales, Matt Blanchard
Skinny: They have quarterbacks from Vanderbilt, San Jose State and Wisconsin-Whitewater on their roster. That alone makes them candidates to draft one, doesn’t it?
Well, if that doesn’t do it, Cutler’s deal is such that the Bears could drop him like a bad habit after this season if they so choose. That makes taking one a pretty good likelihood, but short of Goff or Wentz falling past several QB-hungry teams and into their laps we don’t expect it to happen in Round 1.
So given the alma maters of the other guys on the roster, we project the Bears to select Liberty’s Josh Woodrum with one of their two fourth-round picks. It’s the only option, really.
THAT STARTER WON’T LAST FOREVER
13. Pittsburgh Steelers
Starter: Ben Roethlisberger
Also on roster: Landry Jones, Dustin Vaughan
Skinny: Please don’t make us watch Jones try to replace an injured Roethlisberger again. Air your dirty Landry elsewhere, please. They have seven draft picks, and it should shock no one if they use at least five on them on defense. They need it. The offense is loaded. All except backup QB. The Steelers appear open to drafting one, and it would not personally stun us if they use their second- or third-round pick on one if the right player is still available. All he needs to be is not Jones and not Mike Vick, and we’re good.
14. Washington Redskins
Starter: Kirk Cousins
Also on roster: Colt McCoy
Skinny: He who shall not be named is out of the building after an Edward Snowden-esque few years in D.C. and now the Redskins have Cousins on trial. Win big this year, and the franchise quarterback becomes just that, only it’s real. Micturate down his leg while playing for the $20 million tender agreement, and the team might again be switching gears. So yeah, we think they have a draft pick earmarked for a quarterback. And wouldn’t it be so Redskins if it was Christian Hackenberg? Yesssssss.
15. New England Patriots
Starter: Tom Brady
Also on roster: Jimmy Garoppolo
Skinny: Brady just signed and extension and plans to extend his world domination well into his 40s, so no panic for the future. But Garoppolo is entering the final two years of his rookie deal and could be traded at some point, likely to the Browns next year for eight or nine first-round picks. The Patriots have roughly a billion picks this year (OK, 11) despite Roger Goodell taking away their first-rounder because he can and no one can change that. Sweet league. And Brady still could be suspended the first four games. Yeah, that thing hasn’t gone away yet.
Anyway, they Patriots will use one of their sixth-rounders — they have five, for heaven’s sake — on a passer. One who will invent an improvement for penicillin, replace an injured Brady in the 2019 Pro Bowl or be the next offensive coordinator after Josh McDaniels gets another head-coaching job. Likely all three. Stanford’s Kevin Hogan it is.
16. Seattle Seahawks
Starter: Russell Wilson
Also on roster: Phillip Sims
Skinny: Vernon Adams or bust, you know? They have a certain type they like, and without trying to offend anyone, they like them small and annoying. As in, annoying to defend. Would you want to chase around Russell Wilson for four quarters? That’s what we thought. And that’s Adams to a tee, and if he’s gone there’s always TCU’s Trevone Boykin. Both are players that other teams will dismiss. Which also makes them perfect Seahawks candidates. You watch, they’ll draft one.
And yes, their backup (seriously cred if you know where he played college ball) is a homophone for the world’s worst color analyst. Maybe this is too low on the list for the Seabirds.
17. Detroit Lions
Starter: Matthew Stafford
Also on roster: Dan Orlovsky
Skinny: You’ll have to excuse new GM Bob Quinn’s shock here. Having spent the previous 15 years with the Patriots, Quinn arrived stunned by the concept of a quarterback on the roster who (1) was taken with the first overall pick in a draft, (2) dents the salary cap for an unwieldy $22.5 million this season and (3) doesn’t win the majority of his games.
Quietly, Stafford’s contract is up after 2017, and the Lions might want to add a third, and maybe even a fourth QB, to the roster. Besides, Orlovsky is best known for running out of the back of the end zone for a safety during the Lions’ 0-16 season, which is the kind of career achievement Hackenberg is almost guaranteed to be in store for.
The Lions own three sixth-round picks, and they’ll use one of them to take Indiana’s Nate Sudfeld, who turns into the next Eric Hipple.
18. San Diego Chargers
Starter: Philip Rivers
Also on roster: Kellen Clemens, Brad Sorensen, Bryn Renner
Skinny: The Chargers are a bad team, you see, with many needs. Sure, they’d love to develop a young pup behind the soon-to-be 35-year-old Rivers, who can teach a prospective rookie all about his short-area accuracy, toughness and stunning virility. But with so many things to address and only eight picks with which to do so, taking a QB might go by the wayside early on.
Sorensen and Renner sound more like offspring of generals from the Franco-Prussian War than they do quarterbacks. So for perhaps that alone, they might need to bring in one more. USC’s Cody Kessler has a way more quarterbacky name, so he’s in.
19. New York Giants
Starter: Eli Manning
Also on roster: Ryan Nassib, GJ Kinne
Skinny: Manning has the NFL’s longest consecutive-games streak alive for quarterbacks at 183. Basically, he never misses snaps much less games. Nassib, who once was thought to be a first-round prospect, was a fourth-rounder who almost was cut as a rookie. He’s now thought to be not awful yet, but he’s heading into the final year of his rookie deal. My, how time flies. Kinne has spent the past few years kicking around the rosters of the Eagles, Jets and Giants (spending more money on Tri-State tolls than he has netted in actual salary) without actually playing in a game.
It’s been a while since the Giants drafted someone, so we’ll say they have a chance to take a Nassib/Rhett Bomar/Andre Woodson type late. That would almost wed them to Western Kentucky’s Brandon Doughty, who watches film for kicks, just turned 25, is married and who has zero chance of ever starting an NFL game of consequence.
WINDOW SHOPPING MOSTLY
20. Tennessee Titans
Starter: Marcus Mariota
Also on roster: Zach Mettenberger, Matt Cassel, Alex Tanney
Skinny: Signing Cassel was one of the best under-the-radar WTF moves of the offseason. It happened and people shrugged and then realized there was no need to give any more emotional investment to Cassel than they already had.
Does this mean the Titans are trading Mett? Maybe. As you can see, this list of QB-needy teams is longer than the tax code. Tanney wasn’t bad at all in Week 17 in his NFL debut, but the dude went to Monmouth (the Illinois one, not the Connecticut one) and has been on seven teams’ rosters in the past four years (including three in the final three months of 2015).
So we think the Titans could trade Mett and sign undrafted Jeff Driskell of Louisiana Tech to battle Tanney for the third spot. Which means we’re super weird for giving the Titans’ third QB spot that much thought.
21. Miami Dolphins
Starter: Ryan Tannehill
Also on roster: Matt Moore, Logan Thomas, Zac Dysert
Skinny: In theory, they are kind of set. (Uncomfortably long pause.) Right? Truth is we don’t know what new coach Adam Gase thinks, and the dirty little secret is that Tannehill is set to count for $20 million-ish for the next four seasons after this one. If Gase does’t like him, then what? We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
The Dolphins have been connected to a few quarterbacks, including a private workout with Connor Cook. Interesting. Did you know Gase is a Michigan State grad? Just leaving that right here.
22. Indianapolis Colts
Starter: Andrew Luck
Also on roster: Scott Tolzien, Stephen Morris
Skinny: Luck was turned to sausage last season, and the Colts missed the playoffs because there was not another Luck (or two) on the roster. Game as Matt Hasselbeck was, he too was beat to a pulp. But he’s retired to cushy TV land now, with Tolzien taking his place. At best Indy could use some competition for the third spot. Whomever they bring in, draft pick or undrafted free agent, it’s sure to be an inspired choice. Wasn’t Morris the guy who lost out to Josh Freeman and Ryan Lindley for playing time in a meaningless Week 17 game? Umm …
23. Minnesota Vikings
Starter: Teddy Bridgewater
Also on roster: Shaun Hill, Taylor Heinecke
Skinny: They’re too busy working out punters and German wide receivers. Besides, they’re in great shape at QB — assuming they don’t let Bridgewater get ground up like local brat meat like they did a year ago. It’s possible the Vikings bring in competition for the third spot, maybe someone whose last name also sounds like a beer. UMass’ Blake Frohnapfel is the hoppiest option out there.
24. Houston Texans
Starter: Brock Osweiler
Also on roster: Brandon Weeden, Tom Savage, B.J. Daniels
Skinny: All is right in the world. They have signed Osweiler, who has seven career starts and whom the head coach hadn’t met at the time of the signing, all for a paltry $18 mil a year. Backed up by Weeden, who has been dumped by two QB-needy teams, and Savage, who spent time at three colleges. Championship!
At least we’ve been spared Bill O’Brien feeling contractually obligated to rescue Christian Hackenberg, right? I mean … could that still happen? Isn’t Hackenberg just a younger, slightly less bizarre Weeden? So many questions.
25. Jacksonville Jaguars
Starter: Blake Bortles
Also on roster: Chad Henne
Skinny: These are exciting times in NoFla. The Jaguars have a starting quarterback in place. Did you realize Bortles was tied for second in the NFL with 35 TD passes? Solid, man. Henne isn’t terrible either, by backup standards anyway. But that’s all they have. Bortles is due an extension (he currently makes less than Hoyer, which is LOL), likely this summer or after this season, with his deal running out in 2017.
So they need a third arm, someone big and sturdy but not that good. Alabama’s Jake Coker will do the trick. They coached him at the Senior Bowl, and he’s the perfect, most non-threatening, happy-to-be-here type they could use.
26. Atlanta Falcons
Starter: Matt Ryan
Also on roster: Matt Schaub, Sean Renfree, Matt Simms
Skinny: Ryan is almost 31 and — cough — in his prime. He’s a full year and a half younger than Aaron Rodgers but feels like his best football is far behind him. Who knows? Maybe Kyle Shanahan will titillate him back toward being a good 4,000-yard passer and away from being a bad 4,000-yard passer.
Speaking of which, Schaub must have incriminating photos on a high-ranking Falcons official, on his fourth team in four years and back where it all began. Feel it. Renfree has an excellent college education.
The Falcons have only five draft picks, though. One was stripped for illegally piping in music to the Georgia Dome. One was used to trade for a breathtakingly expensive left guard. Oh, Atlanta.
27. Baltimore Ravens
Starter: Joe Flacco
Also on roster: Ryan Mallett, Jerrod Johnson
Skinny: Flacco turns 32 in the playoffs, is coming off a torn ACL and is set to earn the GDP of Micronesia over the next six seasons. Things are good in Baltimore. They had Tyrod Taylor, but he wasn’t willing to wait three election cycles for his shot and left before last season, which was a smart move. They’ve drafted five quarterbacks in the past 11 drafts, but Flacco was the only one not taken in Round 5 or 6.
But Mallett could just decide to not show up for work one day, and Johnson is on his fifth NFL roster since 2011 without having taken a regular-season snap. Well done, young man. So they need a guy. Watch them take Michigan’s Jake Rudock, who is the most sixth-round Ravens pick ever. Sources say the Ravens coach knows the Wolverines coach.
28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Starter: Jameis Winston
Also on roster: Mike Glennon, Ryan Griffin
Skinny: The need isn’t all that high, what with Winston, a recent third-round pick and a player they used a waiver claim to grab. But the Buccaneers have floated Glennon’s name before in trade talks and did the whole, “No we love this [tall gangly looking] guy!” And well they perhaps should, as he was not terrible on a bad Bucs team as a rookie, plus you need to protect your best assets, right?
If they trade Gannon, we suggest replacing him with another redhead, Division-II Gannon University’s Liam Nadler, who is the tallest small-school ginger in in the entire draft not named Carson Wentz.
29. Green Bay Packers
Starter: Aaron Rodgers
Also on roster: Brett Hundley, Ryan Williams
Skinny: They’re in great shape. Rodgers is maybe the best in the league, and Hundley is developing nicely according to all reports. We can’t vouch for Williams, who threw for 506 yards in his entire Miami Hurricanes career. Seriously. But GM Ted Thompson knows quarterback talent; just ask Brian Brohm.
If Ted drafts a QB, he’ll have one or two redeemable NFL traits, it’ll come late in the draft and the pick roundly will be despised by Packers fans.
Yep — Wisconsin’s Joel Stave, come on down! For the thrifty Thompson, he saves hundreds on relocations costs, too, so it’s a double victory of a pick.
30. Oakland Raiders
Starter: Derek Carr
Also on roster: Matt McGloin, Garrett Gilbert
Skinny: Carr is the real deal, and he looks like a tough kid, too. We expect him to be the starter for years. The two other options are your classic JAGs (Just A Guy guys), but not offensive enough to be franchise-wreckers. We’re kind of feeling the late pick/undrafted free-agent route to bring in a fourth arm, and maybe even a non-rookie. Maybe a white dude with a story to tell.
31. Cincinnati Bengals
Starter: Andy Dalton
Also on roster: A.J. McCarron, Keith Wenning
Skinny: Dalton’s injury changed the forecast of the season, although McCarron played pretty well for the most part in his place. Given that Marvin Lewis said the Bengals would “respectfully” decline any trade offers for McCarron (how nice), there might be a need for a No. 3 to groom.
The QB most linked to the Bengals, interestingly, is Ohio State’s Cardale Jones, which is a pretty perfect fit if you think about it. If your top two quarterbacks are a little oddball, your third guy should be, too. Though sadly, we just don’t think Jones will end up here. Why not? Mostly because Wenning is so close to Winning.
32. Carolina Panthers
Starter: Cam Newton
Also on roster: Derek Anderson, Joe Webb
Skinny: They like their starter. Heck, they even like their backup. And as No. 3s go, Webb isn’t terrible. That said, the last QB they drafted was Newton, and it couldn’t hurt to develop one. What is known is that they’ve worked out a few quarterbacks and reportedly paid some close attention to Arkansas’ Brandon Allen, whose hands must be half the size of Newton’s. But it’s not a position they’re likely to go deep on. Unless he can pass block, too.
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Eric Edholm is a writer for Shutdown Corner on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him at [email protected] or follow him on Twitter! Follow @Eric_Edholm
