Mascot Madness bracket: Picking college football's toughest live animal – CBSSports.com
It’s 2016 NCAA Tournament time, which means everyone is fixating on their brackets and hoping they’re still standing by the end of the first weekend.
We here on the college football side like to get in the March Madness spirit by coming up with some brackets of our own. Last year, we searched for the best helmet in college football (you ultimately voted for LSU over Navy). This year, we’re going to determine the sport’s best mascot.
In creating our bracket of best FBS mascots, we ran into a bit of a snag in determining what to do with live animal mascots. Instead of mixing plush mascots and live animals, we decided to break them up and do a 16-mascot bracket to figure out which of the live animal mascots is the toughest — not necessarily the best, because they’re all very good animals that we love and do not want to make a decision like that in good conscience. Also, please realize there were some tough cuts here (Navy’s Bill the Goat in particular), including a bunch of horses.
Which live mascot will rule them all? (CBS Sports)By our pre-determined criteria, toughness is based on a number of factors, including which live animal mascots we don’t want to run into in an alley or on a football field or wherever we both happen to be. Now, you might disagree — in fact, I guarantee you will disagree with our picks — but that’s OK, you’re free to yell at us, call us idiots and explain where we went horribly wrong.
Colorado’s Ralphie the Buffalo and LSU’s Mike the Tiger make it on the one line, with Texas’ Bevo and Memphis’ Tom the Tiger as the two seeds. Unsurprisingly, live dog mascots did not get seeded particularly high, with Uga coming in as the highest as a six-seed purely out of respect, I guess.
Anyway, let’s get to it.
REGION 1
(1) Mike the Tiger vs. (8) Smokey: Smokey is another very good dog. Smokey also wears a coonskin cap and gets swaddled in a blanket when it’s cold. I would happily meet up with Smokey over a dang tiger. Mike rolls here.
(4) Ramses vs. (5) Tusk: Alright, so Tusk is a wild boar. Those things are mean, man. I can’t believe Tusk got seeded this low, just an incredible oversight by the committee. Sorry, Ramses. You’re tough, and I would not want to deal with your bright blue-painted horns, but a wild boar you are not. Tusk is gonna reek some havoc in this bracket.
(1) Mike the Tiger vs. (5) Tusk: “BLASPHEMY!” you say?! Au contraire. Again, wild boars are ruthless, and they wheel Tusk around in that little cage at games. You let him out and he’s going to tear things up (also, I bet Bielema’s got Tusk on a weight plan like his offensive linemen so he’s likely added some girth recently).
Mike the Tiger, on the other hand, is a pretty docile tiger. I know that seems silly to say, but my man eats meat paste and refuses to leave his habitat to go to games. Why? Because they can’t convince him to get in the trailer because he enjoys his dope habitat too much — I can’t blame him, I’d rather hang out in my big habitat than a cage. I question Mike’s motor and desire, to be honest, so I’ll take my chances with him over Tusk. I also understand that this is an extremely poor decision and neither of these animals is to be trifled with, but Tusk advances and I stand firmly behind this choice.
REGION 2
(3) Spirit the War Eagle vs. (6) Uga: Again, no idea what we were doing here with the seeding of Uga at No. 6, but again, I’ll take my chances with a small bulldog that spends his days in an air-conditioned doghouse. Auburn has a few eagles in rotation, but I’m going with Spirit. It could mess you up with those talons, and I’ve seen it bounce off a skybox window and keep it moving. That’s toughness.
(2) Bevo vs. (7) Tuffy: Our first big upset of the tournament. Tuffy is a mix of Siberian husky, German shepherd and Alaskan malamute … and he’s a large dog. On the sidelines, Tuffy seems like a very good dog, but if it chose to, it could get after it. Bevo is gigantic and has massive horns. This is absolutely true. Bevo also is an extremely chill animal that moves at a glacial pace and tends to just sit around. I feel like I could elude Bevo if need be (although, if it got you with one of those horns, that’s a wrap) while Tuffy would certainly run me — and probably anyone or anything else — down. Tuffy moves on to round 2.
(3) Spirit the War Eagle vs. (7) Tuffy: This is a really tough one. Tuffy is likely a very good dog, but it’s got some German shepherd in it and those are police dogs for a reason –they can take folks down. I don’t trust birds, but I’m going to still push Tuffy on to the final four.
REGION 3
(1) Ralphie vs. (8) Reveille: Reveille is a beautiful dog, but if I’m choosing between running into her or a giant buffalo, I’ll take the dog that likely will run up to me expecting to be petted and combed and then taken in to be groomed. Ralphie moves on in a walk.
(4) Cam the Ram vs. (5) Aurora the Falcon: This one was a tough choice. I do not trust birds. Falcons have big talons and can fly at extremely high speeds. And there was a strong case made for Aurora. However, rams are just flat out mean and one good shot to the knee with those horns will put you down for the count. I’ll take my chances that the falcon will be off looking for smaller prey and I can escape. Cam the Ram advances in a tight one.
(1) Ralphie vs. (4) Cam the Ram: Cam’s strength is brute force in this toughness competition. That’s also Ralphie’s strength, and Ralphie is like five times Cam’s size. I’ll take my chances with the ram. Ralphie runs on to the final four.
REGION 4
(3) Joy and Lady vs. (6) Sir Big Spur: This is just a terrible matchup for Sir Big Spur. I really expected him to be a first-round upset choice, but he ran into two bears. Now, Baylor’s bears aren’t especially big (250 pounds each isn’t small, but for a bear that’s borderline manageable) … but they’re still two freaking bears. Sir Big Spur has some serious talons and that beak could do some damage, but just run into bears that might be under-seeded. This is like having to take on a No. 4 Kentucky when you’re a strong No. 5 (sorry, Indiana).
(2) Tom the Tiger vs. (7) Dubs: Huskies are big dogs and can be pretty ferocious. I’m not saying Dubs is not tough, but a tiger he is not. Tom the Tiger also is a tiger in Memphis, so he’s got more street cred than your average tiger. Tom cruises to round two.
(2) Tom the Tiger vs. (3) Joy and Lady: This is a tough one. Two bears or a tiger? There’s not a good choice, but again, I’m extremely terrified of a tiger in Memphis. That thing will eat you like a rack of ribs and then sing the blues about it. Tom advances.
FINAL FOUR
(1) Ralphie vs. (2) Tom the Tiger: Another matchup where both are extremely tough animals, but my goodness, have you ever seen Ralphie move? She is an absolute beast and requires five or six athletes — not just people, athletes — running next to her all holding on to her harness for dear life in hopes that she goes where she’s supposed to. Now, my choice could be swayed if I find out that Tom hangs out with Tony Allen and Zach Randolph on his down time and has picked up some defensive skills, but until someone proves that, Ralphie charges her way to the finals.
(5) Tusk vs. (7) Tuffy: Tuffy had a good run, but the obvious choice here is Tusk. I firmly believe Tusk is a beast and belongs in the finals.
(1) Ralphie vs. (5) Tusk: Tusk had a great run through this tournament, but his ferocity can only get him so far. Just look at Ralphie here.
You can only hope to contain Ralphie. (USATSI)
These guys are just holding on and he’s taking them on a ride. Imagine Ralphie — without the harness and five handlers — running at you. Terrifying. Ralphie, you are America’s toughest mascot. Congrats, gal. Now stay the hell away from me.
