Casting ‘American Crime Story’ season 2: baseball’s PED scandal

(AP Images) The baseball offseason is in full swing. News is scarce, rumors have died down and the days seem longer than usual.

In order to get through these tough times, many turn to the comfort of television. One of the most hyped shows of the offseason has been FX’s “American Crime Story.” The first season, titled “The People Vs. O.J. Simpson,” focuses on the trial of the former Buffalo Bills running back.

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The series has been hyped for a number of reasons. Simpson’s trial was an insane spectacle in the ’90s, and remains one of the craziest sports stories to emerge from that time. Not only that, but the show features an interesting cast. John Travolta, Cuba Gooding Jr. and David Schwimmer all play prominent roles.

What’s neat about the format of the show is that the topic will change each season. Season one is about O.J. Simpson, but season two will be about an entirely different thing.

That got us here at The Stew thinking: What if American Crime Story season two focused on baseball? The biggest scandal of the past 20 years or so was probably PED use and the steroid era. And the biggest part of that was probably the congressional hearings on steroids in 2005.

We think this is a tremendous idea, and FX is free to use it. But we’re not just going to stop there. We’ve decided to take the next step and actually cast the series. Who do we think should play former commissioner Bud Selig and the big, bad gang of accused baseball players? You’re about to find out.

VIN DIESEL AS JUICED AUTHOR JOSE CANSECO
Diesel turns in the performance of a lifetime as the tortured Jose Canseco. Canseco’s book “Juiced” exposed steroid use in the majors, but made him an outcast within the game. That book was one of the biggest reasons for the hearings, and nearly every ballplayer in attendance had to deny allegations Canseco made in the novel. Diesel already has the body type to play Canseco, and we think he could pull off a wig. It also gives him the chance to back away from action movies for a minute and take on a role with some depth. Imagine the wide range of emotions Diesel will show as his former teammates trash him in the courtroom. Think about him delivering impassioned statements to Congress about his own steroid use. This is the role that wins Diesel numerous awards.

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LARRY KING AS FORMER MLB COMMISSIONER BUD SELIG
This suggestion, which must be begrudgingly attributed to The Stew’s own Mike Oz, works on so many levels. First off, Larry King loves baseball. He’s a big fan of the game and its history. He’s also appeared in … 63 shows(!) according to his IMDB page. King has mostly played himself or done voiceover work, but we think he’ll be motivated by this new challenge. We also get the sense that Larry King could accurately muster up the confused looks Selig became famous for during his time as commissioner. If nothing else, King could probably perfectly recreate Selig’s infamous “I can’t hear you” pose in which he has holds his hand to his ear because he actually can’t hear the person talking to him. Because Larry King is old. That’s the joke.

JIMMY SMITS AS BALTIMORE ORIOLES FIRST BASEMAN RAFAEL PALMEIRO
Palmeiro famously delivered the line “I have never used steroids. Period.,” so we need someone who has some dramatic acting chops. Smits is our man. Over his career, he’s done it all. He’s been on NYPD Blue, The West Wing, Dexter and Sons of Anarchy. All those shows were critically acclaimed, and all were dramas. Smits has also shown off the ability to grow a pretty wicked mustache, and that’s a requirement for anyone playing Palmeiro.

ALFONSO RIBEIRO AS CHICAGO CUBS OUTFIELDER SAMMY SOSA
Sosa also had a big moment during the hearings. He testified through an interpreter that he did not use steroids. Sosa faced criticism for the move, with many saying he hid behind the interpreter so he wouldn’t have to answer some of the questions posed to him. Ribeiro would have some speaking lines, but he would mostly have to act silently as Sosa sat in the courtroom and listened to his interpreter respond to questions. Anyone familiar with “The Carlton” knows Ribeiro is able to convey complex emotions without making a sound.

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TAYLOR KITSCH AS HOUSTON ASTROS PITCHER ROGER CLEMENS
Maybe it’s the fact that Clemens is from Texas, or maybe it’s the fact that he played for the Houston Astros at the time, but the phrase “Texas forever” kept popping into our heads on this one. That’s why we’ve decided to go with Taylor Kitsch as Roger Clemens. Kitsch is no stranger to dramatic roles, but is probably looking to bounce back after True Detective: Season 2 was considered a dud. He’s a little young for the role, but we still feel like he could pull it off.

WRECK-IT RALPH AS ST. LOUIS CARDINALS FIRST BASEMAN MARK MCGWIRE
Wreck-It Ralph knows a thing or two about resurrecting one’s image, so we think he works as McGwire. Every ballplayer was vilified during the hearing, but McGwire has seen that image change the most since 2005. He, like Ralph, was able to shed his villainous label and become something more. During the hearings, McGwire often turned to the phrase, “I’m not here to talk about the past.” Ralph can relate. Ralph also has experience destroying things, and that reminds us of McGwire getting a hold of fastball down the middle.

TERRY CREWS AS SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS OUTFIELDER BARRY BONDS
Bonds actually wasn’t subpoenaed for these hearings, but it’s not a show about PEDs in baseball without Bonds. This is simply a cameo appearance for Crews. At that point, Bonds had already been involved in the BALCO scandal, and was no stranger to appearing in court. Maybe a quick shot of Bonds working out while watching the congressional hearings in the background could work? Or maybe Bonds is on the phone with …

DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON AS ALEX RODRIGUEZ
A-Rod also wasn’t involved in these congressional hearings, but we need to get him a cameo appearance. We would really try to keep this casting a secret (so ignore what you just read). Fans would watch the show the first few weeks, wondering whether Rodriguez would actually make an appearance. Once Johnson is shown on screen and identified as the slugger, the people watching at home will go wild. The Rock is the perfect man to play A-Rod. He has confidence and bravado, and immediately draws attention when he’s on screen. That’s the version of A-Rod the fans deserve. And that’s what we’re going to give them.

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WEIRD AL YANKOVIC AS CLEMENS’ TRAINER BRIAN MCNAMEE
McNamee had nothing to do with the 2005 congressional hearings, but we’re including him here as another cameo. Perhaps the show will have a scene that features Clemens talking to McNamee at night, after spending a day at the hearings. The two didn’t have a falling out until 2008, so maybe their scene together foreshadows what is to come.

GUY FIERI AS BONDS’ TRAINER GREG ANDERSON
Like McNamee, Anderson played no role in the 2005 congressional hearings. Just months after the hearings, Anderson pleaded guilty to conspiracy to distribute steroids and money laundering. He could possible be shown in a quick scene with Bonds, or maybe he’s shown pleading guilty in one of the later episodes in the series. It would be Fieri’s first acting role, so we don’t want to put a ton of pressure on him.

CARL FROM “UP” AS VERMONT SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS
Yes, Presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders has ties to the 2005 congressional hearings on steroids in baseball. During the event, Sanders complained that the media had packed the courtroom to watch a couple baseball players talk about alleged steroid use, but ignored important things like child poverty. It’s a small role for Carl, who is said to have retired from acting following “Up,” but it’s juicy enough to get him out to show off his skills again.

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