A few bold sports predictions for 2016 – Timesonline.com

It’s not just about beating the experts anymore here at the Times. We’re trying to beat Nostradamus, too. So here are a few bold predictions for 2016. Buckle up, kids.

JANUARY

Steelers coach Mike Tomlin sets Guinness World Record for single use of a word in 10-minute span while still talking in complete sentences when he says “obviously” 472 times during his end-of-season press conference.

FEBRUARY

Coldplay does the unthinkable and gets people to turn off the Super Bowl in droves. The British band’s halftime performance at Super Bowl 50 is so boring that only eight million people watch the second half as New England wins yet another title. Roger Goodell issues the first sincere apology of his life and the NFL pays advertisers over $300 million to compensate for lost viewership.

MARCH

Seeking to once-and-for-all halt the team’s rash of injuries and poor performance, Penguins officials hire exorcist to cleanse Consol Energy Center. The search leads to a secluded area where a crazed Craig Adams is presiding over a ritual involving effigies of Sidney Crosby, Kris Letang and other Penguins stars. Once Adams is finally fully removed, the Penguins’ fortunes turn drastically and the team eventually wins the fourth Stanley Cup in franchise history.

APRIL

After watching a stunning run to the Final Four, Pitt fans are seen wandering through Oakland in a daze. Rudderless and in desperate need of something to complain about, they soon refocus their ire upon Pitt baseball. In an act of defiance, Pitt goes undefeated in April en route to challenging Louisville for the ACC baseball crown.

MAY

Gerrit Cole throws the seventh no-hitter in Pirates history when he shuts down the Cardinals. Alas, he still gets tagged with the loss in the bottom of the ninth when a walk and a three-base error by first baseman John Jaso allow the Cardinals to score the winning run.

JUNE

The U.S. Open tees off at Oakmont in the midst of a two-week period without rain. Disaster nearly strikes when Angel Cabrera accidentally drops a cigarette on the already scorched and dry 13th green, sparking a brief fire. Cabrera goes on to nonchalantly win his first major since 2009.

JULY

A team of investors headlined by actor Michael Keaton, IndyCar owner Chip Ganassi and NBA owner Mark Cuban attempt an ownership takeover of the Pirates. The bid works until MLB commissioner Rob Manfred and a bloc of MLB owners reject the sale out of fear that a Pirates organization with actual financial resources would upset the balance of power in baseball.

AUGUST

Even with Lauryn Williams retired, Beaver County still finds its way onto the podium at the Olympics for the third straight time. Christa Harmotto Dietzen (Hopewell) helps guide the women’s volleyball team to gold at Brazil and swimmer Lindsay Vrooman (Ambridge) captures the silver medal in the 800 meter freestyle. No jokes here; both could actually happen.

SEPTEMBER

Sidney Crosby guides Canada to gold at the World Cup of Hockey in Toronto. Crosby scores twice in the gold medal game against the United States, including the game-winner midway through the third period. U.S. coach and Crosby antagonist John Tortorella is so stunned that he takes a vow of silence, moves to Tibet and becomes a monk.

OCTOBER

The Cubs beat the Cardinals in the NLCS en route to losing to the Toronto Blue Jays in the World Series. Pirates fans try to take solace in an 83-win season that left the team 12 games out of the playoff picture by enjoying the schadenfreude of the Billy Goat Curse living another year.

NOVEMBER

Ben Roethlisberger throws for an NFL record eight touchdowns in a single game in a wild 55-49 overtime win over the Patriots. Rather than celebrate the win, Steelers fans take to local radio to wonder why Le’Veon Bell didn’t get more carries.

DECEMBER

Pitt football wraps 10-2 season with first ACC championship. Then, at a pre-Christmas press conference, the university unveils early plans for a football stadium near Panther Hollow. Pitt fans promptly spontaneously combust.

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