Wish List: What did every team ask Santa for this Christmas?

We here at The Stew have been naughty. With the offseason in full swing, and Christmas approaching, we knew all 30 teams would be putting together their wish list for Santa. With that in mind, we managed to acquire each clubs list prior to the holiday.

It was an awful thing to do, and we feel a little guilty about it. So, instead of releasing each team’s entire list, we’re just going to tell you what was in the No. 1 slot. This is the gift each team wanted the most from Santa: Their Red Rider Beebee Gun, or Nintendo 64. 

We realize not every team made the nice list this season — we’re looking at you, Miami Marlins — but there’s some hope maybe Santa will deliver. After all, the holidays are all about generosity and hope, right? 

With that said, let’s just right into the National League.

NATIONAL LEAGUE EAST
NEW YORK METS
TOP GIFT: Roughly $100 million
WHY? So they can bring back outfielder Yoenis Cespedes on a big deal. It appears the club is moving away from Cespedes after signing Alejandro De Aza, but we all know they would love to have Cespedes back.

[Report: Daniel Murphy has signed a three-year deal with the Nationals]

WASHINGTON NATIONALS
TOP GIFT: Batting helmets with choke guards
WHY? For that special teammate you feel like choking out the next time he refuses to run out a fly ball.

MIAMI MARLINS
TOP GIFT: A new owner who wants to build around Jose Fernandez
WHY? Jose Fernandez is young, cheap and really awesome. Why would anyone want to trade that guy?

ATLANTA BRAVES
TOP GIFT: An IOU that promises contention in 2017
WHY? The Braves have done an exceptional job building their farm system recently with the hopes that they will be able to contend when their new stadium opens in 2017. A few young hitters to go with their impressive young stable of pitchers might help.

PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES
TOP GIFT: The next Bryce Harper
WHY? The Phillies fired Ruben Amaro Jr. during the season and put new general manager Matt Klentak in charge of leading the club’s rebuild. While they won’t make a splash in free agency, it would be nice if a college or high school player really emerged in the next few months so the team could pick up a generational talent with the No. 1 pick of the 2016 draft.

NATIONAL LEAGUE CENTRAL
ST. LOUIS CARDINALS
TOP GIFT: Another supply of Cardinals’ devil magic
WHY? We’re not sure if this is supplied by Santa or Satan, but it probably doesn’t matter. Every year, the Cardinals contend, continue to churn out valuable talent in the farm system and have marginal prospects over perform once they reach the majors. There has to be something supernatural going on there.

PITTSBURGH PIRATES
TOP GIFT: A new division
WHY? The Pirates will likely boast one of the best teams in the NL next season, but will once again have to contend with both the Cardinals and the Chicago Cubs in order to make the playoffs. Even if they succeed, the Pirates could wind up in another one-game playoff situation. Put them in the NL West, and we have a different story.

[The Stew’s Year in Review: Best fan moments]

CHICAGO CUBS
TOP GIFT: A very large net
WHY? With all the young power on the North Side, the Cubs will want to make sure fans standing on the street don’t get hit with home runs as they exit the ballpark. Kyle Schwarber, Anthony Rizzo and Kris Bryant have been known to hit some moonshots.

MILWAUKEE BREWERS
TOP GIFT: A year’s supply of cheese curds
WHY? The Brewers find themselves in an odd situation right now. The team isn’t expected to contend, but it hasn’t sold off every piece of value just yet. The club should have a much better idea of their direction by next July, so we’re hoping the cheese curds can soothe a rocky situation during the next few months. Cheese curds make everything better.

CINCINNATI REDS
TOP GIFT: Airline gift cards
WHY? We imagine the Reds are going to try and deal a fair amount of players next season, and this will help the club pay for those flights. The team is clearly in rebuilding mode and everyone with value should be on the block. A return to health might help, especially with Jay Bruce and Homer Bailey.

NATIONAL LEAGUE WEST
LOS ANGELES DODGERS
TOP GIFT: A time machine
WHY? This way, the Dodgers can go back to the start of free agency and actually spend some money on elite talent.

SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS
TOP GIFT: Dr. Phil therapy sessions for the Dodgers
WHY? The Giants big rival, the Dodgers, have a lot of strong personalities. It’s probably in the Giants best interests if those players decide to air their grievances about each other on national television. It would make for some great entertainment, and the Giants would be happy to provide that.

ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS
TOP GIFT: Socks and underwear
WHY? What do you get the team that has acquired all the talent this offseason? Zack Greinke and Shelby Miller were huge adds, so the Diamondbacks are comfortable settling for boring clothes. Perhaps, one additional free-agent might help, but Christmas came early for D-Backs fans this year.

[The Stew’s Year in Review: Best social media moment]

SAN DIEGO PADRES
TOP GIFT: Ian Kennedy signs with another club
WHY? Ian Kennedy was one of the most questionable players to turn down a qualifying offer at the start of the offseason. If he signs elsewhere, the Padres can pick up an additional draft pick in the sandwich round. That would be a true Christmas miracle!

COLORADO ROCKIES
TOP GIFT: Magneto
WHY? Remember when Magneto lifted RFK Stadium off the ground in X-Men: Days of Future Past? The Rockies need him to do the same to Coors Field, but move it to sea level. That way, they might finally be able to convince a free-agent pitcher to sign with them.

AMERICAN LEAGUE EAST
TORONTO BLUE JAYS
TOP GIFT: Inflatable sumo suits for their fans
WHY? The most prominent members of the Blue Jays prolific offense are set to return next season. Since their will likely be an abundance of home runs again, the fans will at least have some more protection this time.

NEW YORK YANKEES
TOP GIFT: A microphone
WHY? Maybe if the team re-gifts it to Alex Rodriguez, and continuously tells him how great he was as an announcer, Rodriguez will walk away from his massive contract to start the next phase of his career. They can wait on this until they are sure Rodriguez is completely cooked on the field, though, he wasn’t too bad last year.

BALTIMORE ORIOLES
TOP GIFT: A pulse
WHY? We’re actually not sure the Orioles are alive this offseason. It’s possible the team has been dead for months and no one has figured it out yet. Sure, they traded for Mark Trumbo, but is that something you expect from a team with a clear mind? Someone go check on the Orioles immediately.

TAMPA BAY RAYS
TOP GIFT: A pulse
WHY? Whoever is checking on the Orioles might want to consider making sure the Rays are doing OK too. In fact, you might want to start in Tampa, they’ve somehow done even less this offseason.

BOSTON RED SOX
TOP GIFT: David Price postseason wins
WHY? Hey, he said he was saving them for his time in Boston, but asking Santa for a little extra help couldn’t hurt, right?

AMERICAN LEAGUE CENTRAL
KANSAS CITY ROYALS
TOP GIFT: Cash
WHY? The Royals are like that one relative who is saving all their money for something big. For that relative, it’s usually a trip to an exotic location. For the Royals, it’s Alex Gordon.

[Elsewhere: Delino DeShields admits to daydreaming in the outfield]

MINNESOTA TWINS
TOP GIFT: Around 35 GPS locators
WHY? Miguel Sano is going to hit a lot of bombs next season, and the Twins should make sure they know where all of them land. Will a GPS still work in orbit?

CLEVELAND INDIANS
TOP GIFT: A healing potion from any video game
WHY? The Indians main priority right now is getting outfielder Michael Brantley back on the field as soon as possible. Brantley is coming off shoulder surgery and the club will be in much better shape once he’s back in the lineup.

CHICAGO WHITE SOX
TOP GIFT: The Deluminator from Harry Potter
WHY? The Deluminator can both steal and produce light. So when it’s June and every one in Chicago has suddenly turned into Cubs’ fans, the White Sox can steal away some of the spotlight and shine it on themselves.

DETROIT TIGERS
TOP GIFT: The fountain of youth
WHY? The Tigers core is now older, and the team is already in a decline phase. The signing of Jordan Zimmermann earlier in the offseason signaled that the club is willing to try and compete for at least another year, so getting some of their older players to feel younger would be a huge feat.

AMERICAN LEAGUE WEST
TEXAS RANGERS
TOP GIFT: Another positive medical report on Yu Darvish
WHY? The Rangers defied expectations by winning the AL West last season. Injuries were a major part of that, and none was bigger than losing ace Yu Darvish in spring training. If Darvish is fully healthy in 2016, the Rangers will no longer be a surprise, they’ll be a favorite in the division.

HOUSTON ASTROS
TOP GIFT: An apology from “Sports Illustrated”
WHY? The magazine tabbed the Astros as the 2017 World Series winner, but the club arrived earlier than expected. With the right breaks, this team can easily contend for the 2016 World Series. Maybe SI will retract that story and crown them a season earlier than expected?

LOS ANGELES ANGELS
TOP GIFT: New parts for Albert Pujols
WHY? “The Machine” hasn’t been the same since he joined the Angels. It’s possible swapping out a few of his parts, particularly on his lower body, might help him regain his old form. The Angels might want to consider asking for the fountain of youth as well, now that we think about it.

[Elsewhere: Barry Bonds wants to honor his father with Marlins job]

SEATTLE MARINERS
TOP GIFT: A prince
WHY? The Mariners already have King Felix, but they could use a strong royal partner for their ace moving forward. Hisashi Iwakuma is capable of filling that role, but injuries got in the way last season. Taijuan Walker showed some promise, so perhaps he’s ready to take the next step?

OAKLAND ATHLETICS
TOP GIFT: Better luck
WHY? Oakland was an awful 19-35 in one-run games last season. Despite the fact that the team actually had a decent run differential early in the season, they were buried in the standings due to their inability to come through in close games. That usually evens out the next season, so it’s possible Oakland will go .500 in those situations this time around. That would certainly bring them much closer to contention.

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Chris Cwik is a writer for Big League Stew on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him at [email protected] or follow him on Twitter! Follow @Chris_Cwik