Star Wars NHL starting lineup: Which characters could win the Cup?

BY GREG WYSHYNSKI AND RYAN LAMBERT

As “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” opens to record box office and complete cultural saturation, everyone’s gotten in on the “apply the characters to your favorite thing” act. Especially when “your favorite thing” is sports, and your company is owned by Disney.

ESPN published a series of “starting lineups” for Star Wars-infused sports, including one for hockey. When Puck Daddy columnist Ryan Lambert and I read it, our eyes rolled so far back into our heads that we saw what we were thinking. The list managed to be clueless about both Star Wars and hockey in the same breath.

So with time on our hands before seeing Episode VII, we decided to draft our own Star Wars NHL teams, going several levels deeper down the nerd rabbit hole than our friends at ESPN did.

Here are our teams. Lambert had the first pick in the draft.

Star Wars Team Lambert

CENTER: Darth Vader, Tatooine (6’6″; Drafted No. 1)

Positives: Massive and exceptionally skilled, “Lord” Vader not only brings an incredible on-ice sense (he can feel any opponent’s presence), but also a killer instinct unmatched by almost anyone in the galaxy. Few can line up against him successfully. Has the makings of a good front-office type when his career is over, with demonstrated penchant for altering deals at the last moment and still having them accepted.

Negatives: Demands accountability from his teammates, though sometimes to the detriment of the club. Had a horrible reputation for whining in his younger years. Sometimes disturbed if coach demonstrates lack of faith in him.

LEFT WING: Leia Organa, Alderaan (5-foot; Drafted No. 11 overall)

Positives: Born leader, knows how to make things go her way. Total badass, doesn’t take crap from anyone. Likely Force sensitivity (I HAVEN’T SEEN THE FORCE AWAKENS YET, FOLKS!! NO SPOILERS!!!!!!). Has a thermal detonator for a shot. Can make even the toughest opponents choke.

Negatives: Far too trusting. Believes her only hope is an old man on a backwater desert planet. Hard to get those hairstyles under a helmet.

RIGHT WING: Han Solo, Corellia (5’10; Draft No. 3 overall)

Positives: Has the kind of game that’ll sweep fans off their feet. Shoot-first mentality. Speed merchant. His down-to-Tatooine on-ice approach sees him never let his teammates get cocky. Not afraid to play a little dirty when need be. Rocketed up the draft boards, going from relative unknown to key figure for his club within a week. May not look like much, but he’s got it where it counts.

Negatives: Scruffy-looking. Staunch anti-analytics views (never wants to be told the odds). Sometimes known to freeze up in key situations.

DEFENSE: Boba Fett, Kamino (6’2”; Drafted No. 5 overall)

Positives: Can really turn on the jets, great shot from the point. Second-generation talent. Has learned the importance of not losing one’s head. Elusive and easy to lose in the play.

Negatives: Not exactly a take-no-prisoners defenseman. Very coachable (no disintegrations!). Very likely to go to the highest bidder once he hits UFA. Like many older defensemen, his game will eventually fall off a sail barge, err, cliff.

DEFENSE: Luke Skywalker, Tatooine (5’9”; Drafted No. 9 overall)

Positives: Midseason move to Dagobah seems to have really done him some good in terms of concentration and skills. Like new D-partner Boba Fett, he’s got great bloodlines. Top-flight mobility. The game really flows through him. Won’t fail this team. He’s not afraid.

Negatives: Some wonder whether he’s a little short for a defenseman, but plays bigger. Hands are a major concern. Hasn’t been the same since the league got rid of ties (prefers to kiss his sister). Is a whiny hillbilly.

GOALIE: Chewbacca, Kashyyyk (7’6″; Drafted No. 7 overall)

Positives: Talk about a goaltender who fills the net. No one will be able to screen him out, even when he’s in his butterfly. Teammates love him. Non-canonically, has a Force-sensitive sister, so likely has better reflexes than one might expect. Perhaps most important: Other players will generally know to let the Wookiee win.

Negatives: Communication with his defensemen seems like it will be an issue.

Star Wars Team Wyshynski

CENTER: Darth Maul, Dathomir (5’9”; Drafted No. 4 overall)

Positives: Four words – double-bladed hockey stick. And are you telling me that an opposing center isn’t going to be the least bit intimidated by a guy dressed like a demonic monk with tiny horns on his head walking back and forth like a hungry wolf before the draw?

Negatives: Only half the player he used to be, any way you slice it.

LEFT WING: Wedge Antillies, Corillia (5’6”; Drafted No. 12 overall)

Positives: Oh, you want a wing man? Here is your wing man – a quintessential part of any offensive strike, Wedge can cover the points or go in deep with the most important shot of the rush. And in STAR WARS terms, he basically had a Doug Jarvis-level longevity streak.

Negatives: A little battle damage will have him pulling out at a vital moment. But at least he’ll apologize for it.

RIGHT WING: Yoda, Dagobah (2’2”; Drafted: No. 2 overall)

Positives: Clearly, my fellow general manager does not abide by the mantra “size matters not.” It’s a small man’s league. So go ahead, draft the petulant whiner in the iron lung. I’ll take the Jedi Master who can spin and twirl like Denis Savard through an opposing defense. Or, failing that, skate through their legs Nathan Gerbe style. And yeah, when 900 years you reach, veteran leadership you have.

Negatives: Not sure he’s what you’d call “coachable.” Takes on too much himself if someone else can’t do the heavy lifting. And we’d have to budget for a collection of tiny mini-sticks in the shape of swamp twigs.

DEFENSE: General Grievous, Kalee (7’1″; Drafted No. 6 overall)

Positives: I’m looking for takeaways from my blue line. This guy takes every lightsaber he sees a Jedi wielding. And considering the League’s lax policy on enforcing interference penalties, I’m probably going to draft a guy with four robotic arms.

Negatives: Bit of a fitness issue with all that coughing and wheezing. There’s a reason he uses that big wheelie thing to get from place to place.

DEFENSE: Mace Windu, Haruun Kal (6’4″; Drafted No. 10 overall)

Positives: He’s got size and he’s got that stoic — some would say completely boring — comportment that makes for a dependable backline. But if you get in his way, he’ll take your head off. Ask Jango.

Negatives: Prone to make rather terrible decisions using his intuition and putting his trust in those that inevitably let him down (to the ground, after flying out a window. A Mace Window).

GOALIE: Wampa, Hoth (9’8”; Drafted: No. 8 overall)

Positives: Originally I wanted to draft Jabba The Hutt here to fill the net, but he’s a giant space slug with no mobility. So I went Wampa. Nearly 10 feet tall, covered in enough fur to keep the Hothian cold from penetrating it. You want the net filled? The net’s done filled.

Negatives: He’s basically a giant dumb Yeti who can be easily distracted by things like, say, ground beef and shiny objects.

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