NFL Week 3 picks: Jets over Eagles, Bengals beat Ravens, Cowboys lose – CBSSports.com
Let’s just get this out of the way right now: My picks in Week 2 were putrid. They were worse than the Eagles’ offense.
I’ve had my phone off since Sunday night because if I left it on, I’m 60 percent sure one of my bosses would call me and I’m guessing the conversation would go something like this.
“Hey Breech, not sure how to say this, but we’re firing you and replacing you with a cat in a Patriots jersey because we think it might actually do a better job at picks than you — and people on the Internet seem to like cats, so there’s no downside for us.”
Hey @CoachTomlin check out this festive cat & realize the NFL controls the headsets, not the Pats #Softy #OmarEpps pic.twitter.com/RkiN4SLqL4
— Justin Lang (@jlang20) September 11, 2015
Coming next week: Cat picks!
That’s what happens when you go 3-13 with your picks. You get replaced by a cat. I can’t even complain if it happens. That cat probably would’ve picked the Patriots to beat the Bills, so it definitely would’ve done better than me.
It was really just a bad week all around for me. The hits just kept coming.
First, I drank almond milk for the first time, which was a bad decision because I think I’m allergic to nuts and I don’t even like almonds.
Second, I lost in fantasy football to my younger brother’s girlfriend. She started Jimmy Graham, Ameer Abdullah and the Dolphins defense — who combined for a total of zero points — and I still lost by 30. That’s what I get for naming my team 98 DeBrees. I’m worse than the Saints.
My third problem: I had waffles for breakfast the morning before I wrote my picks last week. Not doing that anymore. As a matter of fact, I’m destroying my waffle maker and switching to Waffle Crisp as my pre-pick breakfast of choice.
The good news for me, the Colts, the Seahawks and Chip Kelly is that Week 2 is now over.
It’s good news for me because I can put my Week 2 picks behind me and move on to Week 3. It’s good news for you, the reader, because you get to spend the next 10 minutes wondering if the Patriots cat actually would make better picks than me.
Before we get to my picks though, here’s your weekly reminder that you can check out the picks from every CBSSports.com NFL Expert by clicking here.
The reason you should click over and check out the other experts this week is because none of them went 3-13 in Week 2. Basically, they’re smart.
Now, let’s get to my Week 3 picks, where I promise not to go 3-13.
By the way, one of the only three picks I got right last week was the Bengals game and I only got the pick right because I used my official Andy Dalton flow chart. I made the flow chart while eating lunch at McDonald’s, so really, I need to thank two people: Andy and Ronald.
Thanks to Dalton’s Instagram page for that gem.
Week 3 picks
Cincinnati (2-0) at Baltimore (0-2), 1 p.m. ET (CBS): Forget Joe Flacco, I think it’s time we start asking ourselves if Andy Dalton’s elite because the answer is yes if we’re talking about Sunday regular-season games that kick off at 1 p.m. ET.
I will always pick Dalton to win a Sunday regular season game that kicks off at 1 p.m.
The only thing that makes me hesitate to pick the Bengals is that it’s the Ravens’ home opener and they haven’t lost a home opener since, well, it looks like they lost one last year. To the Bengals. OK, so I guess there’s no hesitation with this pick.
The Bengals actually have owned the Ravens recently, winning four of the past five and with that only loss coming in overtime. Bengals 23-20 over Ravens.
Atlanta (2-0) at Dallas (2-0), 1 p.m. ET (Fox): I know Aaron Rodgers said God was a Packers fan in Week 2, but I actually think He might be a Falcons fan this season.
In Week 1, the Falcons won partly because of a miraculous missed field goal by the Eagles late in the game.
In Week 2, the Falcons won partly because Eli Manning still hasn’t figured out this whole “clock management” thing after 11 full seasons in the NFL.
In Week 3, I’m not sure what’s going to happen, but I do know the Cowboys aren’t going to have Tony Romo and Dez Bryant. I also have a feeling Matt Ryan‘s going to throw for about 450 yards. Falcons 27-24 over Cowboys.
Besides having the Almighty on their side, the other good news for Falcons fans is that after two years of watching horrible football, they shouldn’t have to hide in their car trunk on Sundays this season.
Falcons fans can get out of their car trunks this season, at least so far. (Instagram/krsg93)
Raiders (1-1) at Browns (1-1), 1 p.m. ET (CBS): Conventional wisdom says never pick an Andy Reid-coached team to win in a prime-time football game. I went against conventional wisdom last week and lost. Now, you’re probably wondering what Reid has to do with this game and I think my point is that I’m never going against conventional wisdom again.
For the record, conventional wisdom says do not pick the Raiders because the Raiders forget how to play football when they travel to the Eastern time zone.
Since December 2009, the Raiders are 0-16 in the Eastern time zone. I’m going to pick the Browns by three since that’s how many time zones separate these two teams. Browns 20-17 over Raiders.
On a somewhat related note, if Johnny Manziel starts — or doesn’t start, but ends up playing — and the Browns win, let’s not pretend like this girl’s sign isn’t the next logical step for Johnny Football. I smell Johnny President.
Johnny for president? (Instagram/alexxhannaa)
Philadelphia (0-2) at New York Jets (2-0), 1 p.m. (Fox): The Pope is visiting America this week, which could be good news for the Eagles if the Pope reads the Philadelphia Daily News.
Pope Francis @Pontifex coming not a moment too soon for @Eagles. @joeberkery @davidmaialetti @PhillyDailyNews Monday pic.twitter.com/rcZUYtfZZH
— David Lee Preston (@DavidLeePreston) September 21, 2015
Of course, divine intervention might not be enough to save the Eagles. If you watched Philly in Week 2 against Dallas — first, I’m sorry you did — you saw the Eagles rush for all of 7 yards, and that was against a Cowboys defense missing several key players because of injury or suspension.
If Andrew Luck couldn’t figure out the Jets’ defense, I have a hard time seeing Sam Bradford getting anything done. Jets 20-16 over Eagles
Also, I’m not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but there are babies in New York who have never seen the Jets lose.
#JetsNation Baby James looking forward to his first jets season! pic.twitter.com/TKfADjqMXf
— Rob Cardinale (@RobCardinale) September 13, 2015
San Diego (1-1) at Minnesota (1-1), 1 p.m. ET (CBS): Remember back in May during OTAs when Adrian Peterson didn’t show up because he wanted more money? Well, the Vikings must be underpaying everybody, because the mascot’s held out, too.
Ragnar, who was pulling in about $1,500 per game last season, asked to be paid $20,000 per game before the club and mascot parted ways over the dispute. I’m not necessarily going to side with anyone here, but those fur vests don’t pay for themselves, Vikings.
Purple motorcycles and fur coats don’t come cheap. (USATSI)
If I was picking this game based on Karma alone, I’d pick against the Vikings, but I’m not. I’m picking this game based on the fact I think Philip Rivers is going to carve up Minnesota’s defense. Chargers 30-27 over Vikings.
Week 3 picks: All the rest
Colts 20-13 over Titans
Patriots 34-17 over Jaguars
Panthers 24-16 over Saints
Texans 17-14 over Buccaneers
Dolphins 24-21 over Bills
Seahawks 30-13 over Bears
Packers 31-24 over Chiefs
Last Week
Best Pick: Last week I picked the Bengals to beat the Chargers and the Bengals went out and beat the Chargers. I can’t take credit for the pick though because I was actually contractually obligated to make the pick after I found this picture of Andy Dalton with former Bengals quarterback/co-host of CBS’ The NFL Today, Boomer Esiason.
Worst Pick: All of them. But let’s be honest, my worst pick was taking a quarterback (Jay Cutler) who hasn’t won a game since November 2014 to beat a quarterback (Carson Palmer) who hasn’t lost a game since December 2013. Yes, I picked the Bears to beat the Cardinals.
My Cardinals picks have been so bad recently that Arizona fans are now calling me their good luck charm in the comment section because every time I pick them to lose, which is all the time, they actually win.
Well, the joke’s on you MONSTER28 because I’m picking the Cardinals to win every week for the rest of season. Unless I don’t. But I probably will.
Picks Record
Straight up in Week 1: 3-13
SU Overall: 14-18
SU Note: Weirdly enough, I only went under .500 one time last season and that also came in Week 2 when I went 6-10. Maybe I’ll skip the Week 2 picks next season.
Against the spread in Week 2: 3-13
ATS Overall: 12-20
You can find John Breech on Facebook or on Twitter and sometimes even at the cat shelter, where he’ll be getting NFL pick tips for the rest of the season.
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