NFL Week 1 picks: Patriots win big over Steelers, Falcons upset Eagles – CBSSports.com
Welcome to the Year 3 of my NFL picks where I promise to make fewer Bieber references and never use the word Millennial, except in sentences where I promise not to use the word Millennial.
Speaking of Millennials, I was going to write this entire thing in emojis, but it turns out that Chevy’s already tried that recently.
This is not a world I want to live in… RT @SAI: Chevy just put out a press release entirely in emoji pic.twitter.com/snPOsc5ACM
— Jesse Brightman (@jessebrightman) June 22, 2015
I’m guessing they haven’t sold any cars since then because it’s been three months since they put out their emoji press release and I still have no clue what it says, which I think is normal because based on a quick poll I took in the home goods section at a local Target, no one over the age of 15 knows what it says either.
The other reason I didn’t use emojis to write this is because there’s no deflated football emoji.
Let’s be honest, that’s really the only emoji I could’ve used to rehash what’s happened in the NFL for the past seven months.
I’m sure we’re all tired of talking about Deflategate and so am I, but let’s not pretend like the the whole thing was a complete waste of time.
If Deflategate didn’t happen, then we never would’ve gotten Tom Brady‘s courtroom sketch and if we never got Tom Brady’s courtroom sketch, then we don’t get the Tom Brady courtroom sketch pencil skirt.
And if that pencil skirt doesn’t get invented, then I have no clue what to get my sisters for their birthdays. (If you’re reading, sorry sisters, you’re both getting Tom Brady courtroom sketch pencil skirts).
If skirts aren’t your thing, there’s also leggings.
Will be very disappointed if every Patriots fan at Gillette isn’t wearing these on Thursday. http://t.co/6ozvCek7Um pic.twitter.com/UTnXFfuGCB
— John Breech (@johnbreech) September 6, 2015
Anyway, I feel like that’s enough fashion for this week, let’s move on.
Awards section for awards that don’t actually exist
This section is new this year and it might not make it to Week 2, but we’re going to run with it this week.
The award for craziest non-deflategate related offseason goes to: Russell Wilson. Just in case you lost track of Wilson’s offseason because you probably did, let me give you a quick refresher: He started dating Ciara (but is not having sex with her), he met the president (twice), he hosted the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards (and got slimed), he said that God gave him a pep talk at the NFC title game (but not the Super Bowl), he got in a fight with Ciara (over Tom Brady), he organized a come-to-Jesus Hawaiian trip for his team, he signed a huge contract extension (with the Seahawks) and he was apparently saved by nanobubbles (Which he endorses).
I believe @Recovery_Water helped prevent me from getting a concussion based on a bad hit! #NanoBubbles
— Russell Wilson (@DangeRussWilson) August 26, 2015
If anyone’s wondering why I’m not picking the Seahawks to win the Super Bowl this year, it’s because I’m not sold on nanobubbles yet.
So who am I picking?
Before we get to my picks, here’s a quick reminder that you can check out the weekly picks from every CBSSports.com NFL expert here. There’s a 76 percent chance that their picks will be better than mine, so it’s probably worth clicking.
Now, let’s get to the picks.
Week 1 Picks
The Steelers are going to see a mad GOAT on Thursday. (USATSI)
Pittsburgh at New England, 8:30 p.m. ET (Thursday, NBC): The biggest loser in Deflategate wasn’t Roger Goodell and the NFL, it was the Steelers. I almost feel sorry for them because I fully expect Tom Brady to take out seven months of Deflategate frustration on Pittsburgh — And he’s going to do with perfectly inflated balls.
Thursday night’s going to start with the Patriots raising their Super Bowl XLIX banner, then don’t be surprised if Brady raises something else: The proverbial middle finger. The opener will likely be Brady’s first step on a scorched earth tour that will likely involve the Patriots annihilating every team on their home schedule.
On a completely unrelated note that has nothing to do with Deflategate, Brady is 43-1 at home against AFC teams since Nov. 13, 2006. I would pick 43-1 as my final score here, but that just doesn’t seem realistic, even though scoring one point in a game is now possible because of the new extra point rule. Patriots 37-24 over Steelers.
Kansas City at Houston, 1 p.m. ET (CBS): After playing Houston on Sunday, the Chiefs play Denver, at Green Bay and at Cincinnati, which means if they lose to Houston, an 0-4 start wouldn’t be out of the question.
Coaches almost always talk about taking the season ‘one game at a time,’ but I’ll bet anyone five cheeseburgers that Andy Reid looked ahead on the schedule and let his team know how important this week’s opener is (By the way, Andy Reid really likes cheeseburgers).
Andy Reid describes what it’s like to call the perfect play: “That’s like a good cheeseburger” http://t.co/REFRr0cr5K pic.twitter.com/u02BvtyJH9
— Bleacher Report (@BleacherReport) August 29, 2015
How does Andy Reid describe the no WR touchdown stat? “That’s a moldy cheeseburger, brother”: http://t.co/8NFw6KGShg pic.twitter.com/VgnZblgyVC
— Kansas City Chiefs (@chiefs) September 4, 2015
Using Reid’s logic, Alex Smith clearly lives on moldy cheeseburgers because he hasn’t thrown a touchdown pass to a wide receiver since 2013.
Anyway, the big question here is: Can the Chiefs win in Houston?
If you read my picks last season, then you know that for some odd reason, I was really, really good at picking Chiefs games, which is good news for Kansas City fans this week. Chiefs 23-20 over Texans.
Weekly Chiefs update: I’m still perfect picking their games. This is now the Joe DiMaggio hitting streak of NFL picks pic.twitter.com/4RCsd0PPDV
— John Breech (@johnbreech) November 11, 2014
New Orleans at Arizona, 4:05 p.m. ET (FOX): I stubbed my toe last year and it took two weeks to heal and I’m not sure what this has to do with anything, but I think what I’m trying to say is that I have a tough time seeing Carson Palmer coming back from his ACL injury and playing as well as he did last year.
Coming back from an ACL injury is tough, doing it at age 35 when your body’s already starting to fall apart is even tougher.
Also, something you’ll probably notice this year is that I like to pick the Saints whenever they play indoors. This game is indoors. Another rule I have is that if your quarterback has successfully beaten a crocodile in a wrestling match to death, then I’m picking your team to win. Advantage, Drew Brees. Saints 27-24 over Cardinals.
This is how @DrewBrees spent part of his offseason: http://t.co/GJLz7iifWa pic.twitter.com/ZMqp8QUgBn
— ESPN (@espn) September 7, 2015
Tennessee at Tampa Bay, 4:25 p.m. ET (CBS): The last time Jameis Winston was on the same field as Marcus Mariota, I stopped watching after three quarters because Mariota’s Oregon Ducks were already up 45-20 on Florida State by that point. I don’t think things will be that crazy this time around, but that’s only because I don’t think the Titans are capable of scoring 45 points in a game — or two games combined, for that matter. I actually think these two teams are about equal, so I’m going to pick the team with the better quarterback. Titans 23-20 over Buccaneers.
Philadelphia at Atlanta, 8:30 p.m. ET (Monday, ESPN): Let’s cut straight to the chase here: I’m taking the Falcons.
Now, Eagles fans, before you start yelling at me in the comment section or sending me death threats on Twitter, just remember that Philadelphia is my NFC pick to get to the Super Bowl. The problem I have with picking the Eagles over the Falcons here though is that Sam Bradford hasn’t played a regular season game since October 2013. I realize that Bradford had an amazing preseason, but so did EJ Manuel and Landry Jones, just in case you’re wondering how much I care about preseason games.
As long as Matt Ryan‘s eye doesn’t get hit by a flaming pyrotechnic during the Falcons’ intros, I think Atlanta pulls off the upset in a game where both teams go for over 400 yards in total offense. Falcons 38-35 over Eagles.
Not how you want to start a game. Apparently Matt Ryan got hit in eye with pyrotechnic had to put in eye drops. pic.twitter.com/xkjGUEQxHw
— John Breech (@johnbreech) September 19, 2014
Week 1 picks: All the rest
Seahawks 16-9 over Rams
Last Week
Best pick: Since there weren’t any regular season games last week, that means there’s no best pick for this section, so let’s talk about something else, like how my summer went. The best thing I did this summer was not go to a Taylor Swift concert.
Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for Russell Wilson.
Not saying Russell Wilson can’t dance, but he probably shouldn’t quit his day job. #Seahawks http://t.co/igPA1xQpv4 https://t.co/0pKKUfGgOn
— John Breech (@johnbreech) August 9, 2015
You know what, I won’t lie, I totally would’ve gone to see T. Swift if I could’ve gotten tickets. Hopefully she has a tour next summer so I can follow her around.
Worst pick: Last week I predicted that the Redskins would make it an entire week without embarrassing themselves. I was wrong. To be honest, I don’t even think the Redskins went four straight hours this entire offseason without some crazy situation coming up.
I would list my favorite Redskins controversies from the offseason, but I’d have to write 12,000 more words and you’d be reading this for three more hours and no one wants that.
Oh and my other worst pick was not hanging out with Jeff Reed this offseason. I’m definitely going to put that on my list of things to do for next offseason.
This is why you shouldn’t give former NFL kickers beer. #Steelers http://t.co/0j6ehvfcCI pic.twitter.com/WZXNzU6v7S
— John Breech (@johnbreech) August 10, 2015
Final 2014 regular season record
Straight up: 164-91-1
Against the spread: 125-131
Final 2013 regular season record
Straight up: 165-90-1
Against the spread: 124-132
You can find John Breech on Facebook or Twitter and sometimes even on MySpace.
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