The Clippers are planning to add a mascot, so here are some suggestions
Los Angeles Clippers owner Steve Ballmer has made no secret of his plans to change the identity of the most consistently shameful and mismanaged organization in NBA history. Not engaging in overt racism means that he has already been an improvement over Donald Sterling, although early returns on the franchise’s new uniforms and logos have not been positive. Despite that early mix of positives and negatives, Ballmer’s ability to overhaul the Clippers’ image must be obsessed at least a bit into the future, when we can take a broader view of his tenure and his vision for the city’s second-most popular professional basketball team.
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Ballmer’s next step will bring him a new friend to aid in winning over the masses. According to Broderick Turner of the Los Angeles Times, the Clippers are currently discussing concepts and options for their first-ever mascot:
In their continuing quest to rebrand their team, the Clippers are in the “planning stages” of having a team mascot, said an NBA official who was not authorized to speak publicly on the matter.
The Clippers won’t have the mascot for opening night of the regular season, the official said, but the team hopes to have one in place around the All-Star break.
The team plans on using the mascot for community events, the official said.
The Clippers have discussed different names for the mascot — “Seagull Knievel” was declined — and are still in the developmental stages of coming up with a name, the official said.
It’s probably for the best that “Seagull Knievel” didn’t make it to the next round. Not because it’s necessarily a terrible concept — one of the best mascots ever is a gorilla supporting the Phoenix Suns, so we should give some leeway here — but because Seagull Knievel is a slant rhyme. An NBA atmosphere is not the right place for such literary nuance. Go with exact rhyme or go home.
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Despite this example of good judgment, it’s likely that the Clippers need some help in choosing the correct mascot. These five suggestions should help them in their next brainstorming session.
Big Baby: It may seem odd to suggest that Glen Davis, a key reserve for the Clippers currently not under contract, should serve as mascot. The correct response is that he has basically been one for his entire career:
Plus, now that he is out for several months after ankle surgery, Davis will have some time to ease into his new role. He’ll probably even be able to take on both jobs once he’s ready to play again.
Segal Knievel: Remember how we threw out Seagull Knievel because of a slant rhyme? Well, this one works a lot better and honors a second ’70s icon — beloved Hollywood actor and longtime Clippers fan George Segal.
Yes, we know, a daredevil probably seems an odd pairing with an actor best known for the film adaptation of “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?” and the long-running NBC sitcom “Just Shoot Me.” But wouldn’t you like to see someone drive a motorcycle off a ramp and to the basket for a dunk while playing the role of an aging, neurotic cad? If Red Panda taught us anyting, it’s that basketball fans appreciate the unique.
Uncle Donald: No one around the NBA misses Donald Sterling, but he is still the most dominant figure in the history of this franchise. As a gesture to that history, the Clippers could present a more kid-friendly version of the overtly racist octogenarian, one who could teach them the importance of personal hygiene and other important life lessons. Plus, the Philadelphia 76ers’ use of Benjamin Franklin in a new logo sets a precedent for turning an old man with a wanton sexual appetite into an emblem of the organization.
Clippy the Shippy: This character should not be confused with Clippy, the anthropomorphic paperclip familiar to anyone who used Microsoft Office. (Ballmer will now be sure not to over-promote his former company in an NBA context.) Rather, Clippy the Shippy is an anthropomorphic sailing ship (the inspiration for the franchise’s name) that specializes in aiding both players and fans throughout games at Staples Center. He’s a mascot for the information age, not so much a cartoon as a liason between fans and the in-arena experience.
For instance, if a fan gets up from his seat to use the concessions, Clippy the Shippy will automatically alert the closest counter to prepare two hot dogs and charge a credit card. Wait, you say the fan wants chicken fingers instead? A simple 14-step process will allow him to reverse the order!
California privacy laws will unfortunately prohibit Clippy the Shippy from assisting fans who want to use the bathroom.
Clipper Darrell: The only serious choice. Sure, Clipper Darrell hasn’t been run through a focus group and doesn’t fit the league-standard mascot template of a cuddly animal creature. However, the loyalty he has showed to this franchise throughout his period of fandom — through the usual controversy and some questionable behavior directed towards Darrell himself — proves the depth of his commitment to the red and blue. This relationship goes well beyond a custom car. He’s the team’s No. 1 fan.
After all, what is a mascot but an expression of all that is pure and beautiful about a fan’s relationship with a team? By that standard, Clipper Darrell would be one of the best mascots in the NBA. In truth, he already is.
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Eric Freeman is a writer for Ball Don’t Lie on Yahoo Sports. Have a tip? Email him at [email protected] or follow him on Twitter!
