San Diego State is playing St. John’s in the first round of college basketball’s premier tournament. If you want to see San Diego State play St. John’s in football instead, then, boy, are you ever in the right place.

Below, all of March Madness predicted based on which school’s football team is the better of each matchup, from the national title all the way down to the little guys like Georgia State and Texas. If a school doesn’t have football, it will lose at football, in my opinion.

All picks are impeccable. However, it’s still OK to accuse me of bias against your school, which we can all agree is the smartest school with the most virtuous athletic department and most attractive fans. Your degree is magnificent, and I wish the media would stop underrating your football program.

I used Real Time Brackets because it seems fun. Also, this is what it would look like if college football had a 68-team Division I tournament.

Midwest region

• Behold INDIANA VERSUS KANSAS, the football AUBURN VERSUS RUTGERS. The winner is whatever’s on Animal Planet.
• Seriously debated New Mexico State beating Kansas. This is not an idle threat.
• West Virginia beats Maryland because West Virginia beat Maryland.
• Kentucky fans won’t like losing to Cincinnati, but they are not in charge here.
• Notre Dame’s path to the Final Four seems pretty breezy, which means a seven-interception catastrophe would strike the Irish along the way, in accordance with federal law. Pretend it happens wherever you see fit.

West region

• A BYU-Ole Miss all-star team would beat Baylor, or at least Memphis. But since injury-riddled Ole Miss got rocked by a TCU team that lost to Baylor, the Bears advance.
• I would bet money on Arkansas beating North Carolina by 200 billion points with a running clock.
• That’s the kind of game you hope teaches the victim a lesson, but you regret it, because UNC’s pain becomes your pain. You want to look away after one quarter. The annihilation cleanses you just as it cleanses Carolina.
• Come together as UNC spends 40 days in the I-formation wilderness. You’ll cherish every one of those bruises, Heels.
• Otherwise, Ohio State is here, so this region’s done.

South region

• Utah beats UCLA because Utah beat UCLA.
• North Dakota State beats Iowa because it blew out an Iowa State team to which Iowa lost, sure, but the real show is UCLA needing the mother of all ass-first wins in order to put away the FCS dynasty. I’m thinking a blocked punt fumble returned for a game-winning touchdown in overtime.
• Why punt in overtime? UCLA life finds a way.
• Do not blame me for UCLA being the way it is.
• UAB gives football another shot after getting to play Iowa State.

East region

• Michigan State-Georgia is the best non-title game on the board. Some computer ratings give the Dawgs the edge, but if you trust UGA more here, your ideal line of work is volcano trapeze artistry.
• Michigan State-LSU sets football back to the year 9700 BCE. Do not be fooled by MSU’s offensive outbursts in 2014. Playing LSU brings out MSU’s true form. Final score: 0-0. Tigers leave to watch LSU baseball.
• Boise State beats Oklahoma, with a run-in steel chair assist from Dayton, I guess. Only one of these programs has ever won two Fiesta Bowls thanks to Statue of Liberty touchdowns.
• Calm down, #NorthernIowaTwitter. Northern Iowa wins a game.
• Arkansas puts a Golden Corral atop UNC’s mummified corpse. That was a different region.

Final Four

• Ohio State puts John Legend at quarterback and still beats Notre Dame by like 29 points.
• Michigan State beats Utah by like three points. MSU and Utah are the same team.
• Ohio State beats Michigan State because Ohio State beat Michigan State and everyone except Virginia Tech.
• Virginia Tech wins the Football Sub-CIT tournament.
• Arkansas gives up a 98-yard UNC drive just to see if it can score a safety before the punt.

Photos via Getty Images.