In Week 1 I told you all straight up that I am about exactly a .500 gambler. After 6 weeks of gambling on every game, I’m just one game below .500. Losing money technically isn’t the point of gambling so if you’ve matched every bet that I’ve made, I’m sorry.

Unrelated to the picks I published last week, I also took the over on the o/u 45 in the Seattle at Washington game which would have hit if any one of the three Percy Harvin TDs had be allowed, but it’s not like I’m salty about that.

Last week: 6-8

On the season: 37-38

This weeks picks: (Home team is in caps)

Indianapolis (-2.5) over HOUSTON

NEW YORK JETS (+8) over Denver

Oh man, the Jets are a clusterf*ck again this year. The only thing they have going for them is that the Broncos won’t know whether to prepare for Geno Smith or Mike Vick, which is as much of an advantage as knowing whether to prepare for a boxing match against Tegan or Sara. Still, eight points is a lot, and anytime a New York team is dysfunctional, the New York media and Mike Greenberg will make a bigger deal out of it than it really is. I was hoping to see a double-digit spread in this game, but an 8-point home dog will have to do in this case.

SEATTLE (-8) over Dallas

Have you guys heard? America’s team is back! Romo has been getting his interceptions out of the way in the first quarter so that national TV audiences aren’t tuned in to watch him flame out now. The real reason the Cowboys are 4-1 is DeMarco Murray who is entering the Larry Johnson pantheon of players who will run the elasticity out of their hamstrings over the course of one season.

Seattle is really good at home though. Any other stadium in the league is loud compared to AT&T Stadium in Dallas, so the Cowboys will be shocked to hear the crowd screaming for reasons other than looking at their ticket prices.

Carolina (+7) over CINCINNATI

San Diego (-7) over OAKLAND

The Raiders a special kind of bad, and sources out of Oakland are saying that Tony Sparano has an opportunity to win the full-time coaching position, taking us one more step in the right direction towards “2016 NFL Head Coach Kyle Shanahan.”

You know what idiots love about football? Coaches that do meaningless stuff like dress their players up in varsity jackets, or put logs and axes in the locker room, or bury footballs on their practice field. Earlier this week Sparano made his team bury a ball to symbolize that their past is behind them. I’m just surprised they didn’t unearth an Al Davis timecapsule with his dead cat and a plan to melt the polar ice caps with a giant laser.

MIAMI (+3.5) over Green Bay

ARIZONA (-3.5) over Washington

ATLANTA (-3) over Chicago

Atlanta’s offense has the potential to break out on any given week, and Chicago’s secondary is basically asking me to bet on a blowout. If the Falcons had a running game at any point in the last five years instead of a revolving door of backs who looked like they were wearing Reebok pumps with liquid lead inside them, they might be back in the Super Bowl conversation.

Whenever I picture a Bears fan I think about what kind of mentality it would take to willingly live in a city where you have to use Chicago public transportation 300 days a year or else your family doesn’t get to eat. That person is a Bears fan. Bet against that person.

BUFFALO (+3) over New England

Remember a couple weeks ago when I took the Falcons and the Saints on the road each giving up three points against inferior opponents? I was an idiot. Don’t be an idiot again, Eric. If we don’t learn from our mistakes then we’re no better than the machines. Also, Kyle Orton is the man.

TAMPA BAY (+3) over Baltimore

See above.

PHILADELPHIA (-2.5) over New York Giants

Three weeks ago we were burying the Giants, but a primetime game against Washington is chicken soup for the 1-2 NFL team. The Eagles have the better record but have been playing terrible offensive football. See now, technically the best offense against Eli Manning is a good secondary so I wouldn’t worry too much about Nick Foles‘ mediocre start.

Now, it kills me not to bet against anyone who went out and bought a Foles jersey after his statistically unbelievable year, but I must cast my lot against those who still own Jeremy Shockey jerseys.

Jacksonville (+6) over TENNESSEE

This isn’t so much a road game as it is an opportunity for relocated Jaguars fans an opportunity to see their team for the first time since they ducked those warrants. Charlie Whitehurst is delightful to watch in a Rex Grossman-on-LSD kind of way where he will just throw the ball as far as he can because he’s Charlie Whitehurst, and he recongnizes how cool it is to be an NFL quarterback. He’s a backup, that’s all he’ll ever be, but damn it, he’s going to have fun.

CLEVELAND (-2) over Pittsburgh

The Browns are something like 3-12 at home against the Steelers since they returned to Cleveland, so it’s mind-boggling that they’re favored in this game. It’s a two hour drive between the two cities but they might as well just be different neighborhoods of the same semi-marginalized town. The Browns and Steelers are the White Sox and Cubs of the world’s largest city called Cleveburgh and all things being equal I’m taking the lovable losers in the part of town that has all the good bars.

MINNESOTA (+2) over Detroit

Teddy Bridgewater is really good. Like really really good. I didn’t watch that much of him in college to be honest, but the dude looked more comfortable in the pocket than any rookie QB I’ve seen in the last few years not named Andrew Luck.

ST. LOUIS (+3.5) over San Francisco